On Confidence…
I can’t tell if I am confident or not. I looked up “confidence” in the dictionary to see if it would help me to discern my feelings.
Confidence is belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities, assurance of and full trust in oneself.
Okay, so I’m going to go over this to find out whether I am confident:
Belief in Oneself
I think that I do believe in myself. I know that I can do whatever I try because I know I will do my best, even if I fail in the eyes of others. That said, I just do things because I want to do them, I don’t actually think about it or think about failing. I figure that there’s no point in planning to fail; I’d rather try to do something than decide I’ve failed before I’ve even started.
Belief in One’s Powers or Abilities
Yes, I definitely have belief in my own powers and abilities. I know that I should be able to do telekinesis – I just can’t remember how to do it. 😉
I honestly think I can do anything I try, because I have to try it to do it. When I played soccer in high school, I got an award for “Best Utility Player” because I would play any position without hesitation. All I was interested in was playing the game; it didn’t matter where on the field I was.
And, really, I can do a lot of things. I can pick up any musical instrument and play a song on it after a couple of minutes. I can read through a language book and be able to speak the basics of the language by the end of the book. I can follow instructions and change a sink faucet. I can build things out of wood. I can grow plants. I can organize any situation. I can make plans and follow through with them.
I can do anything.
But, is there anything I’m good at?
I don’t know. What is “good”? Who determines “good”? I’ve always just thought that if I’m learning something and having fun, its “good”. I guess it doesn’t matter so much to me what other people think about what I’m doing. What matters, to me, is that I’m actually doing it.
I don’t think I’m very “good” at playing the guitar. In fact, my technical skills are not very good at all compared to, say, Stevie Ray Vaughan. But, I am good enough to play along with my voice… and that’s all I need.
I don’t feel like I need to be “the best”. I feel great just being “good enough for me”.
I think that just being able to try something new is what makes me feel empowered.
Assurance in Oneself
Assurance: freedom from doubt and timidity. Hmm. I guess I am not exactly self-assured yet. I do doubt myself quite often, and I am recovering from being serially timid. I mean, timid to the point of letting people hurt me physically, mentally and emotionally because I was afraid to speak up and stand up for myself.
At some point, I couldn’t take it anymore and refused to allow myself to be that doormat any longer. But, I still catch myself deferring to other people’s opinions and decisions – just because I don’t want to cause a problem or draw attention to myself. As soon as I recognize that I’ve done this (and I do it automatically), I backtrack and ask myself, “Why did I do that??” Always, the answer is, “I was afraid.”
I don’t know what I am afraid of?
A lot of the time, I fear of what other people will think about me. That voice in mind that tells me, “They will think I’m stupid.” is really just my own insecurities about whether I am actually stupid. I know that I’m not “stupid” in the sense that I have a lot of knowledge and a great propensity for critical thinking. But, I think I am very “stupid” when it comes to knowing things about popular culture and associated norms. I’m just not “normal” and, as I’ve said, don’t fit easily into popular culture. So, that’s where my insecurities come from – not being able to easily identify with those around me.
Since 2012 is a Year of No Fear for me, I’ve done a lot of very uncharacteristic things. I feel like I’ve gained a lot of insight into my mindset, my own emotions, and my thought processes. I feel powerful being able to OWN my thoughts and feelings.
Full Trust in Oneself
I don’t trust myself. I’ve been in the process of changing myself for nearly a decade now. I am changing every single day, but it is still difficult.
I don’t trust myself because I still have certain behaviors and responses which I are automatic. These are not things that I want to do. I don’t want to automatically quash my own feelings of apprehension or distaste just because someone else disagrees. I don’t want to deny my own wants and needs just because someone else wants or needs something else. I don’t want to deny my own feelings of happiness or success or love or amazement or joy just because someone else doesn’t think I should express those things.
I do not want to be the one whose thoughts and feelings and preferences don’t matter.
This is who I have always been, in my mind. I mentioned in my last post how I felt that everyone else has always been more important that me.
There is something bothering me about this, though I can’t quite form it into words. I will write about it and explain it as well as I can, though.
So, I feel like other people are more important to me because I have always felt like I am worthless. I have always believed that there was nothing good about me and nothing about me for anyone to like. I feel like I am a no one, a nobody, a nothing, merely a shell of a standard-issue human because there is nothing about me that is special or important.
I don’t feel important.
I don’t feel special.
I try not to feel hurt by [perceived] insults or slights, so I don’t show any response externally but, instead, bury that pain very deeply in my heart and use the insult as another example of what a waste of space I am.
I feel like all of those insults people have told me over my lifetime are what is true about me.
I feel like I am only those things that people wanted to call me, specifically with the intent to hurt me, because I must have deserved every single word.
I feel like I must have deserved every single bit of bad treatment, every physical blow, every harsh word, every look of contempt, ever bit of gossip.
I feel like people hate me so very easily. I don’t understand why, other than they must know how much I hate myself and so they agree.
I remember when I still cared about having friends how painful it was when my “friends” would turn on me because I voiced a different opinion than they wanted to hear about some relationship they’d asked me advice for. I remember how painful it was to see these people I’d spent so much time with, laughed with, walked with, sat with, looking at me with hate and disgust and whispering about me and ignoring me.
I remember that pain. I am feeling that pain now, as I recount these emotions.
Perhaps this is why I feel no urge to look for friends. I don’t like drama, and I don’t like pain. This is not congruent with my attitude about how I can do anything. Because, I don’t think I can make good friends. I don’t trust anybody to be good friends.
I don’t trust anybody.
I don’t trust myself.
Trust.
How can I build trust?
So. Now I know: I have confidence in my own abilities, but I do not trust my own thoughts and emotions.
This, then, is what I must work on.