On Dependence…
I was thinking about dependence again. I think I have a clearer understanding now: People CAN be dependent while also maintaining their independence.
The word “dependence” makes me wince; I tend to think of it as a negative. One thing I have too much pride about is that I don’t have to depend on other people. I don’t even know if it’s real pride, or if it is fear. Hmm. I got tears in my eyes when I typed “fear”, so that means it’s actually fear which shows up as pride. So… I am afraid of depending on people because I think it will hurt me, and that is why I want to believe I don’t need any help.
It’s difficult for me to imagine healthy dependence in a relationship, because I’ve always felt like things were lopsided one way or another in all relationships I’ve ever had. There’s never been complete honesty, I’ve never experienced open communication, there’s always been an imbalance of power (I think?) in the relationship, because I’ve always felt like I had to pretend… I thought I had to be submissive yet strong.
Example… the marriage is actually the only clearly defined “romantic” relationship I’ve ever had… (And, I thank the universe every single day for the divorce.) I thought I had to do whatever he told me to do so he’d stay with me… but, then, I had to do EVERYTHING. Like, I couldn’t depend on him to do anything I asked him to do because he’d conveniently forget until there was a fine to be paid or something broke beyond repair… and I had to take care of it anyway. But then, when I wanted to try something new, or asked for something in return, he’d shoot down my ideas or just refuse to go along. So, I got the idea I could only depend on myself.
Realistically, the only reason I have any of my life now is that I just barreled through my life then, forcing it to mold to what I wanted, giving him no chance to refuse my wishes by making him think it was his idea. So… I can see I was too weak because I didn’t stand up for myself and too strong in just acting like nothing bothered me, intentionally being a workhorse so I didn’t have to think about the reality that I had no voice. Too imbalanced. Does that make sense?
I recognize now that I DO need some people to depend on. Not for material things, but for support and friendship. So, that’s why friendship is so important to me. It’s such a fragile thing in my life. I’ve never had true friendships, so learning to have friends I can go to when I’m troubled… it’s foreign to me. I have to train myself to remember, “hey, when you’re hurt, go talk to someone who WANTS to listen”. I mean, that feels so unreal to me – there are people who WANT to listen to me?
I don’t understand how anyone can WANT to be my friend, WANT to be there for me. It’s so unbelievable to me that it actually causes cognitive dissonance (where the input idea is so incongruous with the inset belief that it causes emotional disturbance) when I try to consider it in anything more than incremental terms.
But, the key is that I CAN understand it! I mean, that is just amazing to me. I can’t even tell you how that feels. I guess “warm and fuzzy” is a basic description, but it’s also more… it’s like empowerment and awe, too.
I have so many memories, and sometimes it is very awful to have such a vivid memory bank… but one good thing about it is that I have a clear record of how I’ve felt through my entire life. How I feel now, as a person, is just so vastly different that I don’t always believe it’s true. When I compare the me I am now to anyone I’ve been in my past, it’s just SUPERIOR. I feel like I exist. I feel like I am a valued part of the world. There aren’t any words to explain that feeling.
But, I think the dependent while independent idea is this:
To survive as a human, one must be able to depend upon a support system, and be capable of participating in mutual support. Give and take must be equally important/equal parts in every relationship.
The survive as a human, one must be able to have and cultivate his/her personal interests, ideas, and dreams; this cultivation must happen internally but also independently so that it may flourish without influence or imposition of others.
To live as a person, one must maintain both support and independence; this is what makes a secure and healthy individual.
So, I think I understand what mutual dependence is now: It’s when people stand back to back when things are scary, side by side when things get tough, and face to face when things are calm.
This is a good thing.