On Destiny…
I am feeling confused today, though about what I am uncertain. The feeling in my head is a jumbled feeling, as if there is something I am upset about and something I’m not upset about that are warring in my mind. But, I do not have any feelings of upset in my heart. I am longing for the unrestricted outdoors, so this is probably the source of my irritability – I need to go outside and not have to come back in. I’m always in a cage, though it is one of my making and I accept responsibility.
They say, “You made your bed, now sleep in it.”
I say, “Yeah, the bed was made while I was sleeping in it.”
They say, “You need to accept your life.”
I say, “I’ve always accepted whatever life I’ve existed in – this is why I exist in my current life.”
“Our destiny is frequently met in the very paths we take to avoid it.”
“We can’t run from who we are. Our destiny chooses us.”
I wonder if destiny and fate are the same thing? Destiny tends to have a more “positive” spin, while Fate is generally dreaded. They are both meant to explain one’s raison d’être, but how do we know our reason for being?
I believe I was “destined” to become a mother – the first two decades of my life led directly up to motherhood, there is no question in my mind. I was a mother long before I had children, and it was just a natural step in my life.
But, now that I have children… is my destiny fulfilled? The children were born, the children are loved, the children are safe… Of course, motherhood does not entail only the birth of the children. But, as the children become more independent, the mother’s role becomes more supportive than anything. I can ‘train them up in the way they should go’, but they are the ones who will choose their paths in life. Honestly, there is no “should” for them – all I want for those children is that they are happy in their lives. I don’t care how they accomplish that – as wanderers or scholars or mystics. It’s up to them.
Will I die as soon as the children begin to find their own destinies? I guess I do not understand all of this. From a logical standpoint, we are all born dying. My fate is to die. Your fate is to die. I will die. But, will I die happy?
And, perhaps, that is the goal of one’s life – pursuit of happiness in a race toward death. I don’t think we are “destined” to die unhappy, but if one does not make happiness a priority, sadness will be the theme of life. A pursuit, though, makes a pre-existing destiny or fate an obsolete part of life. If I am actively seeking to change my life, does that not mean I am creating my destiny?
I think that destiny is only something that can be found after death, it is something for other people to remark upon: “He was destined to die as a hobo, he never could hold down a job.” or “She was destined to be a cat lady eaten by her cats, she never could turn down a stray.”
That’s so superficial, though.
Does one’s state at the time of death finalize his/her destiny? Or, is it the journey that is the true destiny? Destiny, the word, is by its nature a word of movement – moving toward a predetermined future (a destination on the timeline). Do our souls know of our true destination? Do our hearts know how to lead us to that destiny?
Perhaps this is the point of life – defeating the human mind by following the heart toward destiny. My human mind is really the only thing that stands between me and the strongest feelings of my heart. My heart tells me to barrel down one path to seek my own happiness, my head tells me I cannot do this because other people wouldn’t appreciate it. Yet, even as that conflict exists, I feel like I am heading down the “right” path – it’s a compromise, I get what I want and other people can learn to appreciate it. I finally feel like I “know where I’m going”, and all I am actually doing is following my intuition.
So, maybe that’s it – maybe one can only reach “destiny” by following the path of the heart to lifelong growth because following the path of the mind leads to a stagnation of growth.
Grow or stagnate?
This is the question.