On Envy…
I once received a detailed zodiac horoscope describing my personality based on details of my birth. There was much info about the affects of the sun and planets on my lifespan that made no sense to me, but the personality attributes were fairly accurate. The number one attribute?
You envy those around you who live easily.
And, that is the single truest statement I have ever read. (It should also be noted that I’ve received similar messages in many a fortune cookie, yet have never met anyone else who has.) The past few days, I’ve been feeling this envy to a very strong degree. I look at people in the world and I marvel at how easy some of their lives have been and are. These are the things I envy:
- Raised by loving, attentive caregivers.
- Supportive family throughout life.
- Grew up in a supportive and pleasant community, still in contact with the many good friends/mentors of youth.
- Have had very few negatively impacting experiences.
- Found “life’s plan” as a young person.
- Had/have no trouble sticking to plans.
- Live comfortable lives – no undue stress or catastrophes or major burdens.
- Recover quickly from setbacks because someone always wants to help.
- People WANT to help them, no emotional or physical or financial or promissory recompense is even considered.
- Know place in world and enjoy it.
Now, the cynic in me tells me that the reason these people have such “perfect” lives is that they are very sheltered – they have little or no real world experience or survival skills. And, maybe that is true to some degree; maybe these people couldn’t last long at fisticuffs or alone in a forest, but they generally survive well as productive members of society. I want to be rude and express my frustration (rage?) by calling them “little limp-wrist boys and girls who skate through long, safe, easy lives of leisure”, but I know that’s a lie. It’s just me trying to protect my feelings and prevent myself from self-pity.
I feel so bitter.
And angry.
And resentful.
And envious.
Why the crap do those people get to have easy lives?
Why the crap have I had such a difficult life?
My existential angst is strong today.
At the same time, though, I look at these people and I See them. I listen to their words and watch their lives, and I see the shallowness of it all. I look at them and I see nothing beyond the surface… there are no quirks, no philosophical thoughts, no abnormal interests. They’re perfectly normal. They could fit into any place at any time within their preferred culture, no questions asked.
And, that’s so sad to me.
I don’t understand how I can envy and pity these people at the same time, but I do.
I think I envy the simplicity of their lives – everything is spelled out, everything makes sense to them, everything has come together FOR them. They didn’t have to MAKE things happen, everything just happened nicely on its own. All they have to do is live their lives, and their lives fill up pleasantly.
I, on the other hand, am fraught with peril and pain and confusion. Nothing comes together FOR me – if I leave any detail of my future in the hands of others, it goes right down the path to pain. There are no “free rides” for me, there is no cushion to fall back on. When I fall, I fall hard. I get badly hurt and scarred; a couple of times I’ve broken. Yeah, maybe I’ve been able to regroup eventually, but it sure as hell isn’t with the loving support of people without ulterior motives.
The phrase, “You don’t owe anyone anything.” has never been true for me. I have heard people say that… And I wonder what it must be like to live that truth? I cannot imagine how that kind of freedom would be in my life. There’s always something I owe to other people, always something expected of me, always someone I’ve disappointed or disgraced.
I envy people who are accepted as they are, whose faults and failures are excusable and understood and overlooked.
I envy people who have no “should/could/might have been” attached to their names in conversations.
I envy people who see the world as they’ve been told to see it, because they know what they’ve been told is “right”.
That must be truly pleasant… to always know that one has the world on his/her side.
This envy is the only thing that keeps me from feeling despair.