On Expectations…
I have never been one to expect things from other people. I have an extremely hard time depending on other people for anything, because I don’t want to be disappointed if they don’t come through for me. When I do allow myself to rely on anyone else, I always have a backup plan that I am mentally prepared (and, actually, expecting) to do myself.
I realize that this is a defense mechanism I learned as a child, part of the many layers of protection I have built between myself and the world to prevent myself from being hurt.
I feel like I want to be able to expect things from others, but I don’t know how to. I feel a great sadness in my heart when I think of wanting to be able to trust people enough to expect great things from them.
What’s strange is – I know that everyone can do great things in their own lives and for themselves! I have faith that people can do what they put their minds to, I urge everyone to do his/her best and to challenge him/herself to succeed in life…
I just don’t expect anything special to be done for me (or with me in mind) by other people.
I feel expectation, but also senses of exuberance and joy and longing and mourning as I am writing this.
I feel like something great is about to happen, somehow, but I don’t understand how or why or where or when or what it is. Maybe I am just enjoying life today because I am alive today. Maybe I am conflicted because I don’t remember how to be happy. I think that, at times, I feel guilty for feeling happy. Half the time, I’m not even sure if I am happy. I honestly can’t tell what emotions I am feeling sometimes, I just know there is some emotion there and it isn’t completely negative. That sadness is always there, and always has been, but now there is also some type of positive emotion paired with it.
I confuse myself at times, when I try to lay out these thoughts in an organized way for other people to read. I know, though, that without this confusion I’d never learn anything about myself and I would never grow.
What do I expect from myself?
I expect myself to do my best.
I expect myself to be honest with myself and others.
I expect myself to do what I feel, in my heart, is right.
I expect myself to be strong.
I think, though, that I expect myself to be TOO strong. I have a hard time showing or acknowledging any type of weakness. I rarely cry, I rarely get upset, I adapt to [perceived] negative situations automatically to reduce the amount of pain I will feel as a result of the change in circumstances.
I do what I have to do to survive.
I have lived most of my life on auto-pilot. I just did what I thought was expected of me, but did not actually do anything for me. I believed that everyone else was worthy of support and everyone else’s dreams and wants and needs were more important than my own. I did not allow myself to dream or want or need because I “knew” it would just bring disappointment. I spent a long time feeling little or no emotion; just moving from day-to-day as a puppet, as an automaton, as a shell of the Me I am capable of being.
I have spent most of my life “surviving” and not enough of my life “living”.
And now, when I have finally realized this, I am paying for it double. I want to weep when I think of all those years I’ve lost. I want to weep when I think of all the happiness I could have felt throughout my life, if I had allowed myself to feel what I knew I was feeling but did not want to acknowledge.
I refuse to live that way anymore – I decided a couple of years ago that I could not live anymore suppressing myself for the benefit of others but at the cost of myself. It got to a point where I either had to die or change.
I changed. I am changing. I will keep changing.
I am on a quest to Love Life.
I am learning each day what it is to be Alive.
It is a slow process.
It is painful for me.
It is wonderful for me.
I don’t understand why living and loving, loving living, must be painful, but I accept it. For every amazing new thing I discover, there is an accompanying negative thing to feel sad about.
I don’t understand what it is supposed to mean?
One thing I do know is that without Love, I cannot Live. Without Life I could not feel Love.
It is difficult and will probably always be.
I expect nothing less.