On Illusory Inklings…
I haven’t been able to write publicly for a few years. Things have been difficult, to say the least. It’s been a constant struggle, to the point where I keep slogging forward simply because that’s the only direction to go. There have been so many truly bad things in the past few years that I don’t really understand why I keep trying. I don’t understand the drive to continue and keep looking for hope in the stars.
True to form, the past few weeks have been painful. I’ve dealt with a truly unhappy circumstance that has me confused and heartbroken and angry and sad. I’ve been so sad lately. I mourned the loss of a future, the loss of a promise, the loss of a heart. I tried to get through it the way I always do, working and troubleshooting, and finding ways to make it work. The whole thing kept degrading, my efforts were useless, and I ultimately had to decide to end my suffering by leaving the situation. Because that was all I could do. Because my only option was to hurt myself so that I could eventually limp forward again toward the next big pain.
I’ve felt very strange lately. I can feel that I am in the middle of something. If I had to put a name to it, I would say I’m in the middle of a timeline split – where one decision creates a new reality that is no longer the one I am in, but it hasn’t quite split yet… the two realities are still overlapping in some places. I can feel something changing, and it doesn’t make sense because my emotions do not make any sense at all in the context of my actual reality.
I’ve felt happy and hopeful. For what, I have no idea. I can’t see any reason to feel that way, realistically. I’ve also been feeling secure and loved, though I don’t know how that is possible. For example, I was watching a show and the characters were talking about being in love and finding their partners. It was all very heartwarming and sweet and I had the thought, “I have that!” with a warm, happy feeling of love. I mean, that would be all well and good if I actually *did* have that, but I don’t. So why did I feel that way?
I am not sure what is going on in general, because I’m basically just going day-to-day and trying to make myself feel okay. Every day is another chance to find something good for myself, even if it’s just small things like snuggling up to a down pillow or seeing my little garden sprouts poking up through the dirt. And really, these are the things that make me smile and feel happy. It’s usually such small things.
Interestingly, I was thinking about this and came across a note from a friend, not even directed at me.
It says:
You are worth
All the light of the sun and
All the shine of the stars.
Self-love is not selfish.Know your worth and recognize when others
Are projecting their own
Fear & hurt & frustrations
Onto you.That is not your negativity
To hold onto.That is not your pain
To fix.Their perception of you,
Their opinion of you,
Their hurtful words.
Their thoughtless actions,That’s not you.
You are love.
Love yourself so much that
When someone treats you wrong,
You recognize it.
I don’t know where that message came from, but I really did need to see it. That’s exactly what has gone on the past few weeks. Someone has treated me wrong, insulting me, degrading me, and attempting to minimize a year and a half’s worth of efforts as inconsequential. Someone has treated me as if I am not worth love, not worth effort.
I knew, in the beginning, that I was going to have to leave. I knew it all along, but I wanted to try to figure it out another way because I wanted that illusion of love and safety. But, it was just that – an illusion. None of it was real, it was all just something I’d been trying to imagine was real. Every time I made another “stride forward”, I’d get an increased feeling of “No. This is wrong.” My gut was telling me not to continue, my heart was telling me to keep trying, and my head figured it wouldn’t matter either way. So, I ignored my gut and kept moving forward.
Except then I realized that I needed to listen to my gut because this person just would not stop trying to devalue everything about my love and care. It was really weird because it seems like they actually forgot everything about who I am as a person and just made up some other person to put in my place so the fake version of me was the real one in their mind. It was bizarre. It *is* bizarre.
I mean, it’s clear to me that person has some real issues, but it was somewhat disturbing to see it play out the way it did. Either way, I eventually became tired of the ridiculous game and stopped playing. I had no reason to continue, so I didn’t.
Life goes on, as it always does. I moved forward with the plans I had for the week, I did everything I wanted to do, and I really focused on my self-care. I feel so much better than I did a few days ago that I wonder why it was such a difficult choice for me to make? Why would I ever choose someone else’s fake version of my life instead of my own?
I have no idea.
I still feel lost, I still feel confused, I still feel upset.
I do feel happy, I do feel peace, I do feel secure.
I think, though, that it’s because I love myself enough to recognize when I need to be treated better. And, yeah, maybe it did take a couple of weeks for me to get a clue and stand up for myself, but I did it because I knew all along that I needed to. I knew I’d have to let go of the illusion because there was nothing of substance left to hold onto. It’s been a sad experience, but I am glad I have learned something new about myself, and I am glad I am no longer stuck in an illusion.