On Insecurity…
I keep forgetting who I am. This random loss of my sense of self causes me to feel deeply insecure about my place in the world. There are two definitions of insecurity: 1) uncertainty or anxiety about oneself and 2) the state of being open to danger or threat. I am subject to both of these feelings.
I’ve been struggling a lot lately with trying to remain open-hearted while not allowing myself to be or feel hurt. I keep falling into emotional pain and then wanting to revert to my Vulcan stoicism to cope. I’m learning not to automatically turn off my emotions when I’m upset, because I do realize this does not solve the problem… but it’s very difficult for me to intentionally exist in anguish. It causes me to feel extremely vulnerable.
Pretty much the only thing I truly hate is to feel vulnerable. I think it is a mix of pride, shame, and fear that causes me to feel such a vehement hate for vulnerability. When I start to feel this level of upset, my instinct is to run away. Since I can’t physically run away, I want to become emotionally detached – mentally run away to the safety of apathy.
Realizing this, and the damage it can do to myself and others, I intentionally write about my emotions during these periods – so I will not withdraw into myself. If I put my feelings out to the world, I cannot hide them away. I can’t take it back. Hiding myself, my thoughts and emotions, has caused me so much more pain than I can ever coherently explain.
When I first started this blog, I was seeing a relatively helpful psychologist for therapy. I had decided to attend therapy so that I could practice speaking my thoughts aloud, after so many years of never voicing my true opinions or desires, living emotionless. I also felt like I needed another outlet, though. When I told the therapist I made a public blog to write about how I feel, she was confused. She said, “You want to tell the world about your feelings? That seems strange.” I told her why, and then she just sat there staring at me for a while. She put down her notes and told me, then, that I didn’t need to see her anymore because there was nothing else she could help me with.
I know I am doing the right thing so that I may heal, learn, and grow. I feel this deep in my heart.
I also know, though, that there are critics judging me, reading what I write and sneering. There are a few people who come to my blog specifically to take my words and twist them into gossip to mockingly share with their friends. I understand that those people are miserable in their own lives, and they do this for entertainment. I feel sad for them, but that’s about it. I’m not going to stop writing just because of a few sanctimonious people who can’t understand that I’m actively working toward building a better life and a better me. That’s their problem, not mine.
Even so, I feel uncertain and unsafe because I don’t like to share my heart and mind with rude people, knowing their judgmental words are forthcoming. I don’t want to feel like I must always shield myself from harm. I don’t need to feel like I can’t be open and honest because other people can’t/won’t accept my “strange” ideas & feelings as valid or worthy of existence.
Logically, I know that I should completely disregard anything that causes me to feel upset. Emotionally, though, I can’t always succeed at that. It still gets to me sometimes. The anxiety rises when I feel like I can’t escape, because I must hold steady my defenses at all times.
I want to feel safe. I want to feel confident. I want to feel like it’s okay to be Me.
When I say I keep forgetting who I am, I really mean it. Some days I wake up and don’t know what I am doing or where I am going. I feel lost and confused and sad. I don’t have any identity to cling to as a life preserver, to push me through life with conviction. I’m just treading in a vast sea of potential identities… but I can’t grasp for anything, because I will drown if I try to.
Who am I?
What do I consist of?
I feel love, care, and sadness.
I need love, care, and peace.
I want hope, companionship, laughter.
I am Someone, I know that. I just don’t always know Who.
I am someone who feels peace when I don’t have to be wary of other humans. I feel peace when I can exist within a moment. I feel peace when I can smile or laugh with genuine joy.
I have been working to hold onto that joy, not let it be overrun with its matching sorrow… but sometimes I forget how to do that.
I know I am loved and cared for… but sometimes I forget how to appreciate this.
I do find hope, I do feel peace, I do have companionship, I do dissolve into fits of laughter… but sometimes I forget how to focus on this success.
I think I understand, now: to remove insecurity, I must learn to remember that it is falsity. The insecurity is in my thoughts, not in my reality. I have all of the things I need and want, I really do. I feel grateful, definitely. But, I need to learn to appreciate the positive aspects in my life as Real, I need to remember that they exist at all times, not just when I am actively experiencing them.
Thank you for listening, friend, and thank you for existing.