On Objectification Sensitivity…
I get upset when I see, read, or hear objectification of humans. I know that this comes from being treated as an object in my youth, knowing I was worth nothing more than what my body could provide for other people’s pleasure. I feel an immense sadness and some heartache when I encounter anything that has to do with this. I have an actual physical response when I think of the depths of this specific idea: I feel anxious, I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and also some queasiness.
I feel this upset regardless of the gender or age of the subject being objectified. I feel this upset regardless of the level of objectification. I feel upset when I see ‘strip club behavior’ on television or movies – the dancers with completely blank faces, the audience members cheering in excitement and lust. I feel upset when I see magazine covers of people pretending to be “sexy”. I feel upset even just listening to people gossip about other people’s looks.
I have told myself I am too sensitive to this. After all, don’t we live in an era of sexual freedom and revolution? Isn’t it supposed to be a good thing? Why can’t I just be like everyone else and not care about other people as people, see other people as a means to an end?
I’ve tried to desensitize myself by forcing myself to watch shows that glorify objectification – where the main characters only care about getting sex, talk and joke mostly of sex, spend all of their time flitting from partner to partner at the slightest prospect of ‘better’, frequently bragging of encounters with strangers, etc.
It just hurts me.
I can’t help it. I feel miserable when I purposefully subject myself to these things, purposefully subject myself to people who celebrate this ideal. It’s to the point where I don’t really even watch any show or read any article if I think it will contain objectifying viewpoints. I put on headphones to drown out other people’s talk of “fun” and of humans they’ve ogled and rated and fucked.
I think the root of this is that I feel that all people are people. I feel like everybody deserves to be cared about for who they are, not what they look like. I feel like everybody should be listened to and seen as worthy and loved just for being human. (Starting to cry here, so this is the key.) I feel like people deserve to be treated with respect and deserve to be appreciated for who they are, not just how they look or how much emotionally detached sex they’ve had.
I feel so tired of trying to reconcile this as “okay” in my heart. I am tired of trying to tell myself that I am okay with it. I’m just not.
I have spent a lot of time feeling backward and inadequate for feeling that it’s unacceptable to treat people and treat ourselves like this. I’ve tried to be casual about it, tried to let these scenes of debauchery and carousing roll off of me as humorous or somehow freeing. But, none of this is pleasant to me. It just hits too closely to home in a painful way – I can’t be detached from the reality that I see that it is all falsity. It hurts me that everyone is so indifferent, that so much of so many people’s self-identity and pride is dependent on these things, that nobody seems to notice or care that life doesn’t have to be so superficial.
Honestly, I feel like running away. Because then nobody would have to be bothered by my declarations of their inherent acceptability as just plain human. Nobody would have to tell me I’m a piece of garbage for thinking they don’t have to act like that and for having the audacity to tell them so. Nobody would get angry that I haven’t judged them, but do care about them and their well-being.
The constant onslaught is overwhelming to me. I try to tell myself, “That’s not a part of my life, I do not need to feel upset about it.” But that doesn’t always work. And so, I admit now that I can’t accept it. Just another reason I’ll never be ‘normal’, and another reason for people to call me “boring”. I understand now that people who attempt to make me feel bad or stupid or uptight for not accepting this are also people I do not need to be around.
Whatever.
I love you, human, however you look or act. It’s okay not to seek those things, and it’s okay not to spend your life trying to meet sexual standards. It’s okay not to spend your life using and discarding other humans or spend your life being used and discarded. I wish you could know that you are of value, and I wish you could know that you are worth so much more than anything sex appeal can buy.
Take care.