Overwhelming Insecurity…
Today, I’ve felt pretty good overall. It was wobbly in some spots, but I was able to make it through most of the day without any major upsets.
Most of the day… until about 20 minutes ago when I was talking to my youngest kid. He was saying “– is my daddy’s name!” So, I asked him what his mommy’s name was… and he said the name of his dad’s girlfriend. Three times. Even after I said, “What’s my name? I’m mommy, what is my name?” He said, “My mommy’s name is [girlfriend’s name].”
Broke my heart; is breaking my heart.
The kids went off with their dad, and as soon as I closed the door behind them, I broke down. I mean major bawling. I rarely allow myself to just completely let go – teeth bared in a grimace, tears flying in all directions, snot bubbles coming out my nose… but that is what I did. That’s what I’m doing right now, too, making some terrible gaping cry that’s turning into laughter at myself.
But, it is painful. This is very painful for me. This post will probably take me a long time to write because I keep stopping to cry.
I already feel insecure enough as it is – feel like I’m not doing a good enough job. The arrangement is 50/50 custody, so I see my kids 3 or 4 days a week. I talk to them every day, but I only get to hug them and spend time with them half of the week.
Sometimes, when I am depressed, I feel like my kids would be better off if I didn’t exist. And, so, that is my first thought… That’s what really set me off, the idea that I’ve been replaced by the fake mom. That hurts me so much. This is also very poignant because there was an incident last year when their dad was telling my children to call her mommy. The younger two were calling her Mommy, my oldest was extremely uncomfortable with the idea so did not do so. I only learned about it because one day I was hanging up with the kids on the phone and heard my daughter tell my younger son, “Here, go give the phone to mommy. Give the phone to mommy!” Before the connection cut out. I couldn’t even understand it, how could someone be so… just… awful? And how could the girl go along with it? Why? I still can’t even grasp how either of them thought that was okay. I ended up calling him up and raging about how disrespectful that was, how confusing that is for children, how inconsiderate of him it was to do that.
But, it wasn’t a surprise. Because why would it be? I have always believed I am replaceable. And, it’s always been true, too – I witness people discard and replace me on a regular basis.
I’ve been trying to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones… but this is one extremely hard thing to do. How I can I think positively about being so thoroughly marginalized? How do I accept these feelings, become okay feeling this way?
I guess I will do my exercise…
| Negative | Neutral | Positive |
| My child thinks someone else is his mommy. | He knows I’m his mommy because he calls me mommy… | He’s only three, doesn’t understand how to call multiple female figures by differentiating terms. |
| My children don’t like me | They love me. | They love me. |
| I’m not a good mother. | I do my best. | I do well, they love to spend time with me, they are happy to see me when they come home. |
| I’m in pain, this hurts me too much. | It isn’t as bad as it seems. | It’s overwhelming right now because I’m so upset. It will be okay, I will be okay. |
| I’ve been replaced. | There is a third parent figure now. | There is another role model for the children. |
| She’s not a good role model for my children. | She works in daycare. | She is good with children. While I do not appreciate her habits rubbing off my on very impressionable daughter, she doesn’t hurt them. She cares about them. She does take care of them. |
| Why do I even exist? The only reason I stay alive is because I brought the children into existence, and I’m not going to abandon them… but if they don’t need me anyway, what’s the point of my existence? So they could be born? Is that all I was born for? | There are other things that make my life meaningful. | I create things – music, stories, dreams, crafts… things that bring people joy. |
| All of my relationships are painful. I need to escape this life. | They are not always painful. | I am learning to see and focus on the pleasant times. |
And…. in the middle of my cryfest, I’m jarred out of my self-pity by having to take care of business related to someone rear-ending me a couple of weeks ago. Had to wash my face quickly, try to clear my eyes, blow my nose… open the door all messy and swollen faced. And I can’t find my keys, either. Plus, I just sliced open my finger on some random thing in my backpack.
I am okay, I need to keep breathing.
Keep breathing. I will make it through the night.