Presence at Present…
Lately, I’ve been working on being aware of the moment I’m in. What I mean is that when I catch myself fixating on past mistakes or fantastical futures, I make a conscious effort to pull myself back to the present.
It is surprisingly difficult to do so. A lot of the time, I don’t even recognize that I’m trapped in my mind until I’ve been stuck there for a while – stuck in an emotional response to an imaginary event.
My main problem is getting trapped in thoughts that make me feel angst and immeasurable sadness and heartache. I get stuck in these negative thoughts fairly routinely and slip into that mindset with ease. I don’t know, maybe I get some pleasure from punishing myself… I know that it’s comfortable for me to hate myself, and it really was integral to who I was for a long time.
The worst part about it is that I get some awful sense of positive reinforcement from these negative thoughts. It’s a positive affirmation, in my mind, for feeling that I’m not a good person.
I don’t even know what a “good person” is. This is likely because most folks I’ve met who are judged as “good people” by others are, in reality, quite cruel or immoral or apathetic when they don’t have to keep up appearances.
My definition of a “good person” is a person who is continuously kindhearted, loving, caring, looks at life in a positive light, tries his/her best not to hurt others, listens well, does not try to force others into molds, does not fear life and faces all situations with determination, tells the truth, stands up for other people and him/herself, and practices what s/he preaches.
I know that a lot of people define a “good person” by religious morals and doctrine. But, to me, a good person is more than just a person who follows a set of rules that are guaranteed to keep one out of hell. To me, someone who is good at heart doesn’t need to follow a list of rules because life and real situations don’t actually adhere to lists of rules. One who is law-abiding but holds not convictions for those laws is really just a superficial person who can’t think for him or herself in any important situation.
I’ve been like that.
I’m not like that.
I won’t be like that.
So, my bad feelings come from when I think of all the times I was just “doing what I’m supposed to” and not doing what I needed to do. It causes me a lot of pain and makes me feel so weary to remember that person I pretended to be for so long and the choices I made and the life I lived just because I didn’t have the courage to do anything else.
Likewise, when I think of the effects of my past indecision and complacency and passivity on my future, I being to feel pain and weary and depression.
So, I try to stay in this moment. Today, I am here. I’m alive. I made it somehow. The last moment is already gone, I may not have anything past this moment. I need to be here while I’m here, and nowhere else.
As I said, this is difficult for me because I always have to be alert to my mind’s twisting and turning and trickery. The thing is, I don’t want to have to be alert (insert whining here).
Ugh. I’ve gotten caught in that self-pity just writing this post. How annoying!
So, here I am at this minute, feeling annoyed because I can’t control my mind. At this moment, I realize that there’s nothing to be annoyed about – I am still learning how to be in control. I am still learning how to be myself.
The only way I can be myself is to acknowledge what I am feeling and acknowledge my past and future as an entity unto itself.
I am floating in this moment, so I need to ground myself in this moment.
So, here I am.
I am here.