Ramble
I am awake early this morning, the last morning of my vacation, feeling overtired yet restless. I am in dire need of sleep, but cannot go back to sleep. I feel an acute and overpowering sadness.
I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, needing to say things. But, there is nobody to say them to. I guess here is as good a place as any to say them.
I am sad. I woke up sad because I had a dream that made me sad. In the dream, my friend moved to Colorado to follow someone who’d moved there. When I learned this, I was extremely sad because I missed my friend and thought, “Why would my friend be willing to move to be around someone else, but not move to be around me?” And, I was extremely sad and lonely and feeling a longing to be needed so much that my friend would want to move just to be around me.
I can imagine that such a dream would be very insignificant to most people. But, to me, it is very painful because I have always felt very insignificant to most people. The dream, to me, is a vivid reminder of the pain and sorrow and insecurity and inadequacy I have always felt.
I think I have always felt like I was getting ‘left behind’, because I have always had problems speaking up to voice my opinion or to express my wishes.
When I am upset, for example, I have a hard time speaking at all. I am mute. I can think and I can feel, but I cannot speak. It is extremely difficult for me to force myself to speak at these times, and then the words that come out are somewhat disjointed and then I still cannot say all the things I want to say because that sorrow is so overwhelming that I only feel like weeping.
But, there is nobody to weep with, because people always want to go on to the next thing. Meanwhile, I’m caught up on one specific moment that is causing me pain, and everyone else has rushed on to the next thing – made their decision, said their words, hurried on to get out of that awkward moment… But I live in that awkward moment because it takes me a long time (sometimes YEARS) to make the decision or say my words or move on to the next thing.
In reality, I don’t think there is a ‘move on’ for me. I don’t really know what else to say about that. I am feeling very sad right now, so that’s what I am thinking right now.
Something else that makes me sad is that when I speak about things I feel are important, it is rare that people actually Listen. I mean, yes, they may hear me… but it is rare that people actually listen.
Sometimes it is hard for me to speak up, but I do because I feel like there is something important that has gone unsaid. It is hard to speak up because I know it is pointless. I already know that when I speak up, nobody wants to listen.
People make such a big deal about little decisions, “You’re so indecisive, why can’t you decide what pencil to use?” or something, but then when there is an important topic and I know exactly what to say so I say it, my words are ignored.
I think it is because when people “want to know”, they really don’t want to know. They really are just asking an opinion out of courtesy. I think, sometimes, that people will just talk about decisions that are to be made just to hear themselves talking about decisions that they are going to make…
Or, maybe they are just speaking it aloud because they want a ‘log’ that they told people they may or may not make a certain decision.
I don’t even know what I’m going on about. I am tired and I am sad, I need to find a way to get back to sleep.
Well.
Yeah.
I don’t know what else to say, other than my heart is heavy and my body and mind are tired.