Recovering from Dysfunction (Pt. 1)…
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out “What is wrong with me?” and “How could I have done the things I’ve done?” Essentially, I’ve been obsessed with trying to understand the reasons I have been the way I have been and acted the way I’ve acted.
In my search for answers, I recognized three topics that are intertwined and which strike me deeply. I struggle daily with understanding them as they relate to my thoughts and behavior and experiences:
- Dysfunctional Family Life
- Battered Person Syndrome
- Co-dependent behavior
Understand me: I have no illusion that my experiences are an excuse for my behavior. Instead, information about these three topics helps me to understand the reason I felt or feel compelled to pretend to be someone else. I am learning about my current behavioral issues and learning to cope with my thoughts in healthy ways. Understanding these mental conditions helps me to understand myself and helps me to form a basis for growth and subsequent “recovery”.
I don’t know that I will ever truly recover from the first 18 years of my life; I am affected by my past every single day. But, I am doing what I can to learn from my behaviors and mistakes by taking an active role in my thoughts and emotions instead of avoiding or denying them.
Believe me, I know there are people who have had much worse lives than me. I feel completely foolish even suggesting that I have problems, when there are so many people out there who’ve lived nightmares every day of their lives. I feel guilty for writing about myself and my thoughts, and I feel guilty for hoping that people might actually care about what I have to say. I feel guilty calling attention to myself because I don’t think that anyone really cares. This is why I’ve never talked much in my life.
I don’t expect anyone to have any interest in reading these posts and am honestly surprised that some people actually take the time to read my lengthy internalized discussions. I know that most people won’t even bother because I don’t post some kind of TLDR disclaimer. My whole life has been, “too long, didn’t listen” from people around me, so I learned not to talk or even consider my perspective as being of any importance. I’m so used to getting talked over or ignored or immediately made invalid that I only participate in conversations half-heartedly. When someone asks me a question, I think, “What does s/he want to hear? I need to say something short and interesting and relevant to his/her expectations before s/he dismisses me.” I have to actually force myself to speak genuinely, because I believe I am boring and useless by default. Point being, I am tired of feeling insecure and apologetic and unwelcome for my natural tendencies.
Every single post is published with the thought that I am a narcissist, that I am an attention whore, that I am selfish and self-centered, that I’m a drag and an energy sap, that I’m a joke and only read for entertainment, that I am pathetic and that I am a whiner. I persist, to my own chagrin. I have this blog because I need a place to say the things I have a very hard time verbalizing, and I need a place to think in text. I think and speak much better in writing than anything else. And, I feel that if I am finally able to say these things that I’ve always wanted to say, maybe my ventures into understanding will help other people somehow.
I know how it feels to be lost and have no support and no idea and no self-esteem and no self-respect and no independence and no control of one’s life. I post these things publicly so that I cannot rescind them, because once these words have reached the mind of another human, they are out of my control.
I have an issue with control. Not that I lack self-control, but that I have an excess of self-control. My rigidity and stubbornness are symptoms of my fear of being controlled by other people. As soon as I let my thoughts and emotions out, they can be used as ammunition against me and as a means to manipulation. I know this, I expect this, I hate this, yet I am intentionally putting my thoughts and emotions outside of myself because I can no longer keep them hidden.
I have hidden for nearly three decades. I am not who you (general) think I am. I have never been who you think I am. I don’t even KNOW who I am, because I have always been a chameleon, adapting to all situations with the intent of pleasing others and making life good for other people, at the expense of myself.
I don’t think I am a martyr or anything, just that I have never been myself with anyone other than myself. I don’t know if that makes sense to most people, but I have always had some form of alternate personality that I have lived while outside of my own dark mind. I am only able to be myself when I am alone. And, the truth is, I don’t even like myself a lot of the time.
Frankly, I hated myself entirely until recent years. But, I am learning, I am growing, I am becoming Me and maintaining my true identity at all times. It is not fun at all, but it’s all I’ve got at this point. I can’t let myself go backward – the thought of withdrawing again terrifies me because I don’t think I could escape again. I refuse to go backward into that shell that has caused me so much pain. And, while that pain still exists even without the shell, at least the pain is no longer obscured by denial.
I truly believe I am unforgivable, because I have done so many things and hurt so many people so deeply that I do not deserve to be forgiven. I know I don’t get second chances or free passes or excuses or understanding. I know I am to blame and I know I should have been a better person. I do not believe there is anything redeemable about me. I’m not even sure I want there to be anything redeemable about me; I don’t believe I deserve to be a good person. I have resigned myself to a future of living day-to-day, with no expectations of true peace from within. But, this does not stop me from seeking that peace, even as I do not have hope that it exists.
I’m confused most of the time. I don’t know which way is up, but I definitely feel myself slipping down into the depths of despair almost every day. So, instead of heading on that downward spiral, I go forward. Forward is the only direction I can go to avoid depression.