Recovering from Dysfunction (Pt. 5)…
Sorrow, Confusion, Joy – Recovery.
And so, dear reader, you have entered my life while I am in a continuous state of recovery.
I call this a recovery because it is a daily struggle not to slip into those old behaviors. I must always be mindful of my thoughts and my words to avoid self-hate and deceit. I have found that I am not alone in this type of recovery – there are support groups for codependent people and abused people and all kinds of people. I’m not very keen on support groups at this point in time, but perhaps someday I will try one out. I just don’t feel like that is right for me at this stage.
I have now come to the realization that my mindset is a product of my environment and a product of the physiological formatting of my brain and the genetic makeup of my body. I have finally discovered that I am very likely existing in the world with what is considered “High Functioning Autism” (my particular group of behaviors can be classified as Asperger’s, regarded as a “milder” form of autism). This means I am able to function “normally” in the world, but that my brain wiring is not wired for social activities – this is what causes my detached view of humans, my weariness and need for solitude, and this is the source of most misunderstandings between myself and others.
I use this blog as a therapeutic outlet for my thoughts, which are otherwise trapped in my head. If I do not write them down, they are not heard. I struggle to speak when I am upset. Even in my dreams, when I am upset I cannot speak. Sometimes, in my dreams, my mouth is taped or sewn shut – as if an external force prevents me from speaking. But, I am learning to overcome this.The reality is that I must actively force myself to speak. I don’t even think about talking, and go through life speaking only when other people speak to me. Many times, while speaking, my voice trails off to an imperceptible level and I must be told that I am not actually speaking loud enough to be heard.
Additionally, I have trouble remembering what I am talking about during long-winded explanations. I literally forget what I was saying or forget a word I wanted to use, so end up bumbling my way through to a premature conclusion. Most often, though, I speak but am not heard because I speak in the exact tone of some ambient sound or am drowned out by a simultaneous loud noise. It’s frustrating to be accused of “not answering” when I know for a fact I answered, but I’m working on it. That’s all I’ve got.
Another difficulty is that I automatically omit information when speaking. This stems back to that auto-thought of “have to be interesting”. So, I leave out significant portions of information because I think it’s irrelevant. I don’t actually realize I’m doing this the majority of the time, and I don’t even know what people want to hear.
I feel like I’ve told the whole story, but people want to hear more… and I kind of sit there, confused about what else to talk about. I wonder if they want to hear that I used the bathroom or what time I ate lunch or what? I just am not sure what to talk about when someone asks me a question about myself. So, I give a synopsis and then will add more detail if asked. I had a counselor who said “that’s just the lazy way out”. I thought that was a short-sighted analysis, because who is anyone to demand that another person speak at length and who is anyone to demand that another person listen at length? I don’t know where the happy medium lies, but I’m trying to find it.
My thoughts are very dark most of the time. I constantly remind myself not to let my thoughts venture into the abyss of self-hate. This is where I struggle the most. I am constantly degrading myself. Any time I look in the mirror I think, “I’m ugly.” Any time I put on clothing I think, “I’m fat.” Any time I make a mistake, I think, “I’m stupid.” No matter what I do, even if it’s a good thing, I make a derogatory remark to myself.
This is a defensive behavior – I do it automatically so that it won’t hurt when it comes from other people. But, I don’t need that defense anymore. Sure, people are still going to say mean crap to me, but I can handle it now. It’s weird. Now, when people are talking rudely to me, I see the source of those words. Hateful words come from a place of pain, and so now their words do not hurt me because I feel compassion. I realize that they are just like me except that their hate is manifested at the outside world (they hurt others first so they cannot be hurt), and I know not to take those words to heart.
I catch myself on the cusp of lying on a daily basis. People ask me a question and I begin to answer falsely to spare their feelings, but then realize that I am about to lie. So, I answer truthfully. Sometimes, it comes out rather bluntly, but I cannot be apologetic for that. Sometimes, there’s just no easy way to say something. I am often accused of being rude, which I think is funny because the people who say this are always the same people who are constantly gossiping and debasing everyone else. So, their judgment of me as “rude”, when I do not curse or call names or profess hate, is silly.
Emotionally, things are a jumble. This is clearly evidenced by the mix of happy, confused, sad, despairing, angry, and other sundry emotionally-charged blog posts. I am constantly trying to understand my emotions. I am constantly trying to keep myself from that trap of “doing what I’m supposed to”. I slip, sometimes, and I find myself in situations that would have been avoided if I’d done what was in my best interest instead of someone else’s.
I was finally able to return to creating art and music and have used these art forms to express some of my feelings and thoughts. I still feel the fear of rejection and criticism, but I no longer let that prevent me from self-expression. I have finally realized that my thoughts and emotions are just as important as anyone else’s and that I do not have to hide myself simply because I cannot be acceptable to everyone.
The fact is, it’s hard to learn to be the door instead of the doormat. I don’t know where I stand or even if I’m on the right path. The only thing I know is that I refuse to go backward into that old mentality. It is difficult, yes, and trying and exhausting. But, I no longer want to pretend my way through life. I follow my intuition and instinct when making a decision, though it scares me to do so.
I feel intense guilt and shame that I cannot be what other people want me to be. I feel extreme embarrassment for admitting to the world my faults and failures and past actions. I feel very stupid for allowing myself to be used and abused, because I know that I am an otherwise intelligent person. I feel a great amount of fear of judgment for daring to write these things out. I fully expect hateful comments to ensue.
But, I persist because I must. I cannot grow if I intentionally stagnate in the name of fear. I am finished with willful ignorance, and I am finished playing the games we are taught to play. I am through with being acceptable to anyone but myself. I am learning to treat myself kindly, to comfort myself with soothing words and hugs just as I would comfort a friend in pain. It is strange to treat myself as if I am loved, but it also gives me hope.
This strength and confidence of self that I have gained was learned from my children. I learn a lot from them, every single day. They are unsullied by psychological pain, they know they are loved and respected and valued, and they see the world in a way that I cannot. I want to be like them. I want to understand the world from the perspective of a valuable participant, not a worthless bystander.
I am learning to feel joy at just being alive. The world is entirely new to me; the understanding that pain and worry are transitory is wondrous to me. I cannot explain the freedom of spirit I feel when I am able to be present in the moment. It is difficult to maintain, but I am getting better at it. Moving through life moment by moment is not scary, because I am the best person I can be in any moment – each moment is a new opportunity to change my life. I feel like I have a much better foothold in and control of my own life, because I am now the author, not the reader.
I have learned that there is no reason to stop and smell the roses, because the roses are always here.
The world has become beautiful and precious to me, and I am now learning to become beautiful and precious to me.
I appreciate the time you have spent reading about me, friend, and I appreciate any thoughts or encouragement you have to share. I hope I have not wasted your time, but I am thankful to have the opportunity to share myself with you. I am interested in your story, as well, so feel free to connect with me anytime for further conversation.
Take care of yourself, friend, you are the only one who can change your world.
– Jane