Release…
I am feeling very thankful that I am alive. This morning, I read about a very sad situation – a young couple in love, separated by death. They met, they fell in love, they were happy together. The young woman, though, was stricken with an incurable disease.
The young man, knowing his beloved would soon pass away, decided to marry his sweetheart despite the fact that they were not adults. Their parents and families gathered for their marriage, despite their tender age, and the couple lived a married life for a little over six months. The young wife died, the young husband lived on. Now a year on, he is still grieving deeply. This young man, at the beginning of his life, just now entering adulthood – a widower grieving the irrevocable loss of his true love.
This story is so very sad to me, my heart aches for the young man. And yet, there is some happiness there – he met his wife and they experienced that love which most people never will find. The bond they shared has persisted, even after the wife’s death. He lives on with her memory; he can still smile at their life together even as he weeps.
I can never experience the pain of such an acute loss and I certainly do not want to diminish this young man’s sorrow. But, I feel like I can understand his pain to some degree. I know that feeling – of finding happiness in great sadness.
I feel so thankful today, that I have not lost any loved ones in this way. All of my loved ones are still alive, and I am so grateful for this. I finally realize that every single day is a gift, and should be treasured. I finally realize that life goes on with or without us, even if we choose to stay in a state of grief and sadness.
I finally understand that it is OK to hold that grief in one’s heart and thoughts, even as one moves forward.
I learned some time ago that the only way to carry sorrow is to ALLOW it to exist. It is the attempts at subduing pain that make the pain so hurtful. I have limited success at escaping the clutches of emotional pain, but the only way I have been able to do so is by being mindful and present in my life.
Sometimes, when the pain is very great, I have to do a small meditation: I imagine my mind as the universe – I am the universe, that dark space between stars. Each thought or memory is a star, some are brighter than others. I am the Caretaker of these stars. I must watch the stars, I must let them glow, I must let them burn out.
Sometimes, one star begins to glow brightly and catch my attention, getting larger and brighter as my focus shifts from the universe to this one small star. If I am not mindful, I fall into the star and get burned. The practice is, then, to view the star and its components but not fall into it and its despair. I must let the star burn out, and always be mindful of when I am drawing too close to it. The only way to do this is as the Watcher – I cannot allow myself to get lost in those thoughts or the pain of a thought or memory.
This is particularly difficult for me – that pain is all I really know. A painless existence is unknown to me. But, I realize that the pain is self-inflicted in the sense that I allow myself to get trapped simply by forgetting to be mindful. That pain is always present, but I do not have to exist in pain.
I saw a statement today, “Depression is caused by worries of the past; anxiety is caused by worries of the future.” It makes sense on the surface, but things are just not that simple for everyone.
To be honest, my personal problems with depression are rooted in thoughts of the present. I feel sadness now about events happening now. These events, by and large, are a result of past events. The past, though, is secondary in my mind – I can’t do anything about the past, but the past will affect my present no matter what I have done to correct my errors. The things that I did as an insecure and lost youth DO and STILL strongly affect my life as a secure and motivated adult.
It is the present that causes me pain.
The future? Well, the future is non-existent to me. There are things I’d like to do and things I want to happen, but it’s all imaginary at this point. The future is only good if I make it good.
Every moment is the past, present and future at once.
I exist in this moment, and every moment is a chance to change my life.
There is nothing I can do about the Past other than learn from my mistakes and never make them again, I accept that. I can only make a good Future, though, by consciously maintaining a good Present. That is where my trouble lies. I have always had a problem allowing myself to live a good Present, because I am always expecting a bad Future.
I tell myself that I’m “just being practical” or “just being realistic”. But, truly, these negative expectations are all fantasy. They do not exist any more than my memories exist. My memories, at least, have some basis in this reality – they happened during my lifetime. My expectations, however, have not happened. They are imaginations of what could happen if I let my guard down.
I do not like being vulnerable in any sense. I keep my mind and emotions locked down and in check because I do not want to be out of control. I do not like depending on other people. I do not like having hope. I do not like having positive expectations. Really, though, I just don’t like feeling disappointment. It is disappointment that has always caused me the most pain – that death of hope and cruel realization of unmet expectations. I feel like I can only prevent that pain by not allowing myself to trust anyone or put my hope in anyone other than myself.
My future is, by all accounts, my own to create. Yet, unless I learn to co-create, I will always feel alone and always sad and never trusting. I do not know how to trust people, because every time I let myself trust someone “just a little”, they prove that I’ve misplaced my trust.
Maybe I’m just around the wrong people? Or maybe I’m the one who is at fault? Do I have unrealistic expectations even as I have no expectations of others?
Why do I want to trust other people, even as I cannot bring myself to? I want to trust them, but don’t expect that I will be able to trust them. So, I cautiously trust people, fully expecting (waiting for?) them to prove untrustworthy.
Where does that self-centered viewpoint come from? Why I am always expecting people to fail me? What do I do to fail them? How often do I fail in the eyes of others, without even realizing it? How do I disappoint people? How do I betray trusts? What kind of expectations do others have of me?
I feel confused, because I don’t know where the happy medium lies. It seems like I have “black and white” thinking in all things, and it is only my feelings that are gray. I have a real problem living in balance, allowing positive and negative to coexist in a peaceful way. I know I can do it, because I’ve been able to do this at times. I just don’t yet know how to do it in the long-term.
Every moment is a learning experience, and I am thankful for it.