Risking Romance…
I’ll admit it – I’m clueless when it comes to “romance”. I looked up “romance” and the only useful definition I could find was “a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.” So, I looked up “romantic” and found that it is “characterized by a preoccupation with love or by the idealizing of love or one’s beloved.” So, then I looked up “beloved”, which is “a person who is greatly loved” and “love” which is defined as “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.”
And, I wonder… why are people afraid of romantic relationships? It seems like a good thing, overall, if you can get it. I definitely do see that glaringly obvious reality that people avoid potential emotional pain by steering clear of romantic situations altogether. The fear of feeling deep love only to have it torn away from you is very daunting. I get that. And yet, there are so many people who take that risk – they jump into that abyss of uncertainty with arms wide and hopes high. It’s amazing to me.
There are three types of people I’ve observed: people who never get lonely, people who get lonely, and people who cannot be alone. People who never feel lonely don’t care either way – they can be content with or without a partner. Lonely people are generally OK with their lives and can function well until faced with a reminder they do not have a partner, and then can recover quickly from those thoughts with a positive outlook. People who cannot be alone tend to take up with anyone they can, whether they actually like the partner or not, just so they can say they are “in a relationship”.
I’m the kind of person who never gets lonely. I do recognize that I am not in a relationship, but that idea doesn’t bother me. Honestly, the thought of being “in a relationship” gives me the feeling of suffocation and misery that brings quite a strong fight or flight response to my body. I’ve only actually had one official relationship – and that was because I figured I’d might as well try to have a relationship like a normal person. I got married because a guy asked me to get married – I figured that would be the one chance I’d have for an enduring relationship. I got married, though, with full knowledge that I didn’t actually want to be married – just so I could “be in a relationship”.
And so, I followed the rules for as long as I could. Turned out I could only last 7 years in that contractually binding relationship without bursting at the seams. I feel sad all around because I wasn’t smart enough NOT to get married and as a result have hurt many people with my lack of understanding. I feel like a failure because I couldn’t stick with it. I feel like an idiot because I thought I COULD stick with it. I would have just remained in that unhappy marriage indefinitely had I not finally decided to follow my instincts instead of my social conditioning. I feel like a fool because I didn’t recognize before I got married that I’d have to spend a lot of time pretending to be married.
But, I don’t have to pretend anymore. I am free. And that is a great relief.
My life is by no means great or special or wonderful… I’m alive, and that’s about it. Every single day is a struggle to stay positive, and every day I hit a low point where I start thinking about how much I’ve messed up. I have a lot of trouble coming to terms with the idea that I’ve used up my one chance at a good relationship.
I know, I know, you’re thinking, “No! Surely there’s someone perfect for you out there, you’ll have another chance!” But, I don’t think I will. What I want in a relationship is so wildly different from what normal people seem to want in relationships, that I can’t see myself ever even attempting a normal relationship as this person I am. I can’t imagine finding a guy who is OK with being unbound but mutually exclusive AND who I love deeply AND who also loves me deeply. Yeah right! Those odds are astronomical.
You see, for me, a relationship is free.
I can’t handle the idea of being bound again; I cannot handle it. I can’t handle the idea of feeling beholden or trapped or restrained from living the life I need to live so that I may instead accommodate the fears of another person. I no longer have fear of living life – I just want to do what I feel like I need to do as soon as I can do it. And, that’s not normal. I can’t live my life behind the shroud of another person’s fears. I just can’t do that again.
So, I guess that would be it – finding a lovingly tender male who makes me laugh and whose presence brings me joy and who is fearless or, at least, willing to attempt fearlessness in coordination with me.
And, that is really how I look at it – coordination. My ideal “romantic relationship” would be where my beloved and I were friends who felt passionate love for each other and were able to express that love whenever we coordinated our schedules enough to be in the same place at the same time. I don’t care about living together or even being physically together any specific amount of time per year. I don’t care about phone calls or attention or gifts or dinners or anniversaries or possessions or money or legally bonding paperwork.
All I want is to feel like I am loved for who I am, not for the number of things I’ve done to earn “love”.
That seems like so much to ask of another person – to love me without restraint and allow me to love him without restraint. It’s so simple, yet so difficult. I want to take that risk, because I recognize that there is no heartbreak in a fluid relationship. The fluidity allows for changing stances, perspectives, and feelings. Of course, an “end” would be sad to both parties, but there is no end to fluidity. Maybe the passionate part of the relationship would fluctuate – be “on” sometimes and “off” other times – but it would still be a relationship of mutual understanding and, above all, FRIENDSHIP.
I can’t risk “romance” because I don’t want traditional romance. It just doesn’t fit me, I am not made for traditional romance. It’s too stilted and complicated and there are too many rules and there is no room for error or understanding or change or growth or oddity. I don’t like that idea. I can’t comply with that idea. I need fluidity and flexibility yet the constancy, support, and warmth of unconditional love.
I don’t feel sad about never having “a relationship”, I just feel sad that I don’t think I will ever have a chance to love and be loved without restraint or rules or without being treated like a possession instead of an equally free human.
My heart is open to the idea of a deep and immaterial love; I just can’t imagine that ever falling into my lap. So, I guess in that one regard I am lonely – I realize that I will likely never have a partner. But, I can’t stand the idea of settling into a restrictive relationship just so I will be “in a relationship”. So, I won’t do that.
I guess that’s just a choice I have to live with.
The trick, then, will be for me to escape the despair this truth brings to my heart and mind.