Scattered Efflux
I feel strange – addled.
I am in the middle of one of the “where is my life going?” modes; don’t know what I’m doing, why I’m doing anything, where I’m headed… I feel lost and discombobulated, can’t see any way to go forward without also going backward. I feel like I am just going through each day because I don’t have anything else to do. I know where I hypothetically “want” to go, I just don’t see any clear way to get there. I’m fighting not to shut down, but also feel like I want to go back into being a passive observer of my life. I want to withdraw and just let whatever “is supposed to happen” happen, because it’s easier and I won’t have to feel any emotion.
The main thing I’m fighting for is not to go back into letting people do whatever they want to do to me, not just let people trod on me and accept it as my lot in life.
I feel conflicted feelings because as much as I want to have a say in how my life goes, I still feel like I am powerless. Sometimes, things happen that remind me that I am still at the mercy of other people’s decisions and judgments. People say things to me, and it just crushes my spirit – all the things I do for myself as a human, to make myself into who I need to be… it just feels like nothing, I become Nothing as soon as someone tells me what a piece of garbage I am for trying to be someone they don’t approve of me being.
I hate them for it, I hate that I can’t escape these people, and that they believe they have the right to talk to me that way. I hate myself because I used to LET them talk that way to me, when I thought I deserved to be treated badly… and sometimes now I can’t even make a response… just start crying, and then they feel all smug and righteous because they made me cry; they think they’ve won.
But, really, I start to cry because I feel powerless and the feeling of injustice overwhelms me, not because I accept their insults. I literally can’t talk – cannot form speech – when I’m crying. It’s not that I just accept their crap, it’s that I can’t even make a comeback until way later. It’s frustrating and I hate it, I hate myself for the reality that I still have no form of self-defense, I hate that I just want to cover my ears and either run away or curl into a ball and cry. At the same time, those words fuel my feelings that I need to be who I need to be. They have no right to treat me that way.
– I am trying to stay out of a hypocritical consuming hate/anger toward the humans who are advocates of hate, having a hard time.
– I am trying to keep from falling into self-directed hate/anger for getting upset about things that don’t directly affect me, having a hard time.
– I am trying to be calm, having a hard time.
– I am fighting off feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, thinking the “I’m too…[ugly/stupid/smart/frightening/abnormal/picky/creepy/uncool/needy/basic/complicated/caring/uncaring]” thoughts about why I “Don’t Deserve” or “Will Never Find” or “Can’t Be the Object of” Love.
I actually feel guilty that I refuse to just settle for any random male who looks at me.
I feel like I’m doing a BAD thing because I want to feel genuinely liked, not just coveted.
I feel sad that this is my choice: be an object or be alone.
That’s it, those are my choices. I know some people have the opinion that one must “put in time” before earning(?) love… and that just makes me feel ill (heartsick and anxious). I can’t do it, and I won’t. I choose to be alone, even though it causes me these feelings of confusion and upset. I guess it’s better than knowing every day of my life is false, that all I give of myself is a lie. I don’t know, I just can’t handle being manhandled and I can’t handle being touched by someone I know I don’t want to touch me. I know I want to give my care and love to a person I trust and want to be with, not just the first male who will pretend to like me until he’s done using me.
In all honesty, it is the males who keep repeating how “beautiful” or “awesome” I am that make me the most uncomfortable. I become increasingly suspicious of them the “cooler” they supposedly think I am. It just looks to me that they have become randomly enamored with me for whatever reason, and think that trying to flatter me will… what… endear them to me?
I don’t understand their motives; it just makes me not even want to try to be friendly at all. I’d like to be friends with everyone, but not when they have some kind of hidden motive or they think I am open to their advances simply because I’m not being mean to them. I feel like they are trying to make me “like” them against my will. And, that makes me go the opposite way, realistically. Because, in truth, I can find something to like about any human as a human, but I already know I can’t like people romantically just because they think I should. I want friends, not lovers. I want to be seen by default as a potential friend, not a potential lover. I know I’m supposed to pretend to like them so that they will give me attention, but I don’t want to. No.
I broke down the other day, remembering so many times I said, “No.” and was ignored. It is extremely painful to have these memories of just being overwritten because my words weren’t important at all, because I didn’t really have a choice and I didn’t deserve a voice. This is where my current feelings of impotence come from – even though I do have a voice (but only because I’ve forced my voice into being), it still doesn’t mean anything. Nothing outside of me has changed.
Here is my reality today: I can use my voice, but that doesn’t mean I have a choice.