Self-Critical Sputtering…
I’ve been annoying myself lately with a lot of self-talk about how big my thighs are. It’s really irritating that I can’t escape these thoughts. For one thing, I’m normal sized for me. For another thing, there are way too many more important things I would rather be thinking about. Lastly, UGH why the crap can’t I get out of this self-critical mindset , even though I realize it is a learned behavior???
I feel ridiculous that I cannot get these thoughts out of my head. I feel like I am trapped in these self-conscious thoughts, but they aren’t even self-conscious like “Oh, I’m embarrassed that people see my big butt!” They’re just negative like, “Man, I hate having these stupid wide hips and fat thighs, my pants don’t fit today because I’m retaining water; I’m such a fat lop.” It’s frustrating and makes me feel, when I break down the actual emotions there, sad.
I hate feeling like this. I’m sure it’s related to hormones somehow, but I don’t understand where these specific thoughts come from. I don’t want to be preoccupied with my body at all – I want to focus on having a happy life. I recognize, though, that I can’t have a happy life until I address my issues with self-image. I’m in no way interested in impressing people, and have no time to sit around thinking about my body. I don’t understand where these thoughts and feelings are coming from in any realistic sense. There’s just no reason for them to keep surfacing like this.
The main problem is that I am constantly judging myself. I don’t know why, other than I just don’t think I deserve to talk to myself kindly. One thing I just realized (this very minute) is that the negative self-talk is almost entirely made up of things I have heard from other people about how I look or how I am shaped. Those words are negative because their intent is to get me to conform myself to society’s standards of “attractive”.
I’m confused right now, having many conflicting thoughts, so please bear with me while I dissect these thoughts and feelings.
I feel ugly and loppy.
These are the things I see in the mirror that make me think I am ugly:
1) Hair – frizzy, curly, no style, puffy and coily at the same time, hard to manage, not straight and smooth and perfectly coiffured like it’s ‘supposed to be’.
2) Face – still get pimples, dark spots where they heal, dry skin, dark but fine facial hair in certain areas that is only visible if I’m looking in a magnified mirror. Thick eyebrows. Wide nose. Big smile that shows some of my gums. Shadows around my mouth so I always look like I have a mustache. Teeth aren’t super white.
3) Arms – massively muscular biceps for a woman. I usually laugh about them, but have to wear longer sleeves so that the material of normal shirts doesn’t cut into my skin.
4) Bust – too big. Hard to find bras and nice shirts that fit properly; buttoned shirts either burst open or end up looking like a tent.
5) Abdomen – have some extra skin from pregnancies that I grab and tug at when I am telling myself I’m a fatso, and have some visible stretch marks that make me frown. Little pooch under my belly button that I’ve had since I was about 13 but which is noticeable unless I tighten my stomach muscles. Hard to find shirts that are long enough for me to feel like my “gut” is completely covered.
6) Back – still get pimples on my back, it’s really spotty looking, and I also have stretch marks on my lower back that have been there since I had my main growth spurt when I was 13.
7) Hips – naturally wide hips made wider by child-bearing.
8) Butt – naturally large glutes, flabby with visible cellulite.
9) Thighs – naturally massive slabs of muscle, bulk of my “fat” is here; visible cellulite. I am the most self-conscious about my thighs because people have pointed out how ‘thick in the thighs’ I am my entire life.
10) Me. I don’t see how anyone I might feel attraction for could ever be attracted to me.
I’m tired of fixating on parts of my body. I want to like my body however it is and not even think about it. Most of the time, that is how I feel – my body is my body and it works so I like it. But, during these obsessed times, I can’t escape the self-inflicted pain of criticism.
I guess, right now, it’s worse because my body naturally starts to put on weight in preparation for winter. My body is (and has always been) very much synced to the natural cycles of the earth and seasons because my brain and body are made for survival, not society. From an anthropological standpoint, it makes a lot of sense – the body historically needed to gain fat deposits to make it through starvation periods in winter. Like a bear, I become ravenously hungry in autumn and feel compelled to eat all day – specifically foods that contain natural sugars and fats (produce, cheese, nuts, and fish are all I want to eat).
The only problem is that there isn’t a starvation part of winter for me. When winter rolls around, my insatiable hunger goes away, but my stomach capacity is quite large, so I then eat more before I feel full. And, we all know the holidays come with a lot of sweets and baked goods. So, that normal storage of fat just stays there and gets built upon by the junk I eat during the holidays…
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t just glutton myself through winter. I eat my normal way: fruit/nut breakfast, 2 cups of yesterday’s leftovers for lunch, fruit/nut/cheese snack, well-balanced dinner. I usually don’t drink anything other than water, ever. I’ll have an occasional mint tea, raktajino (coffee/hot chocolate mix) or juice, but it’s rare.
In fall and winter, though, I start wanting hot drinks – spiced cider, full on hot chocolate, juice with each meal and so on. And then the baked goods come along and I just eat them because they’re there. Well, and because I KNOW they’re tasty, so I start to crave them. Especially if they include chocolate. So, I end up eating more calories than I burn per day probably 4 of the 7 days in a week. I realize it on those days, but it’s OK to me because I know it’s just a temporary increase in calories.
As I said, this is how my body has always worked. When I was a young teenager, I tried to “outsmart” my body by eating tiny amounts of food during fall and winter. I ended up hypoglycemic and ill – and gained weight nonetheless. I realized then that my only recourse was to be as physically active as possible and just control my urges to overeat. And, it works for me. My body stays within it’s normal ranges without any “hard work”. I’m constantly moving around and exercise in some way every single day.
I’m not “fat”, and really am not even “overweight” for my body type. I just fixate on my body as compared to “normal” because I am a product of a very materialistic society. A woman’s body is as subject to critique as the latest fashion. And, it’s terrible. I do not like it at all. I refuse to criticize other people’s bodies – thankfully, I just see people as people compared to themselves and so criticizing doesn’t come naturally to me.
Even so, though, I cannot escape the self-critique that is a constant reminder of why I’ll “never be attractive”.
I know it will go away in a few weeks’ time, but I wanted to reveal it to you, reader, because I feel that if I get this out of my head, it cannot have a safe haven in my mind for much longer. I need to expose my self-critic that way – admitting my secrets and hypocrisy for the world to see – so that I may recognize and counter these thoughts.
And, I have. I feel better after writing this darkness out of my head. I just breathed a sigh of relief – I feel like a burden has been lifted from my heart.
I’m going outside to take a walk in the crisp autumn air.