Talk
I was going to write this in my personal journal, but I decided to write here, because I feel like talking to someone. Nothing particularly important, just regular old things going on in my head. I actually have felt balanced and pleasant lately, for the past couple of months. I started taking turmeric circumin each day, for inflammation, and I feel a lot better overall. I also just put myself on a better schedule, and that is helping me to get enough sleep. No major crashes except when I don’t get enough sleep. Like yesterday, I slept maybe 4 hours total because I woke up in the middle of the previous night, feeling upset. All through the day, I felt really upset about tiny things.
I ended up going into the forest and weeping while wedged between two trees, holding one with my face against it and the other at my back, because it felt like support. While I was out there, I remembered that this is really what I’ve always done. I didn’t realize that, though, until a refrain from one of my songs came into my head, just the sentence, “cry to the trees”… and I wrote that song in like 2002. So, that’s just what I do, I guess. Go outside and try to bury my sadness in the trees.
I feel so ridiculous when it happens. I hate feeling out of control like that. In some ways, though, it’s better to be intermittently over-emotional than to be entirely unemotional. At least I have that time to stop and think about why I’m upset, try to get a grasp of what is going on. I’m learning to work through it faster, so that’s a major plus. Yesterday, for example, I calmed myself down and was then able to go the rest of the day without crying at all. That’s, like, some kind of milestone for me. Up until now, I’ve never been able to calm myself to that degree. So, something is working right. I feel a lot better after I’ve recognized the problem and addressed it. It’s better than just ignoring everything until it builds up into anger or resentment.
When I turn off my emotions, there is no introspection or recovery of any kind… it’s just a constant ache of pain. I guess when I mean “turn off my emotions”, I mean “turn off my response to emotions”… I feel the spark of each emotion, but I shut it down immediately. Nothing gets solved that way. I just end up in a constant state of misery and irritation. So, my experiences do tell me that it’s better to feel emotion and be able to move through the issue than to intentionally remain stagnated for the sake of not rocking the boat.
I am kind of dreading the major season change, because I feel like I’m going to fall into pieces. I don’t want to feel like that, but I know it’s going to come along. It’s happened every year since I let myself feel anything… April & September, like clockwork… Hopefully this time will be more gentle, because I have a lot more tricks up my sleeve now. I mean, just being aware that it’s going to happen is going to help me; it will give me the ability to see that it will pass.
I think it feels so much worse when I have to stay inside. There’s nothing worse than sitting at my work computer, silently weeping while staring blankly toward the wall so no passersby can see me. Or, trying hard not to cry at all… even going to the extreme of inflicting pain upon myself to keep the tears from spilling over.
I don’t understand why it’s so extreme in me. It might be because I’m too sensitive to things in general, and that hormone change just exacerbates it. Or maybe I’m just strongly attuned to the world itself… I don’t know, I can’t tell. I only know that it’s something that I can put in a specific time frame.
I think I could handle it if I didn’t feel, every single time, that I need to die to escape it. So, that’s what I’m going to work on this time: counteracting the thoughts that the world would be better off without me.
At least for now I have clarity and motivation. I feel like I can make it through, even as I know how hopeless I feel during those times. I can prepare myself, I can make sure I have a lot of tools for myself to use. I think the greatest challenge is to be able to recognize, during the worst times, that I need these tools.
I’m getting ready, but I don’t necessarily think I’ll ever be ready.
For now, I’ll keep going outside as much as I can. I’ll put my hands in the dirt as often as possible, I’ll hug trees when I need to. I’ll see how it goes, I guess. Talk to you later.