Thankful Thursday – May 23, 2013
This day did not start out well. One of those day, as they say. But, I’m making it better, I’ve caught myself and was able to mend my mood before I got upset. It’s strange that I can have a great day and then wake up the next morning completely hopeless and despairing. It is not easy.
No, I do not suffer from Bipolar Disorder. My brain, however, does not properly produce neurotransmitters. This is a genetic disorder – a malfunction noted (and quite notable, unfortunately) in my maternal lineage. When I was young, I felt like I’d grow up and act just as unstable as my mother and grandmother – angry and mean one second, then sweet and kind the next. I learned how to navigate these moods by watching them and understanding when they were going to rage and learning to soothe them or avoid them at these times. I truly feared that I would turn out like them.
I think, though, that realizing these potential behavioral problems has prevented me from manifesting them. I do feel these mood changes, and I do see how they could easily get out of hand – my instinct is to lash out (verbally and physically) when I am upset. This is no different from my mother and grandmother. My paternal line is similarly fraught with emotionally based self-control issues. I’ve got a double dose of angry genes, I suppose.
A childhood around my parents and their lack of self-control was very scary and very painful (in all respects) but also very enlightening. They taught me how I shouldn’t act. Their behavior helped me to understand my own thoughts and feelings and to recognize my inherited faults are not my lifelong faults.
Suffice it to say, if I had never learned to control my actions and emotions, I would probably now have an extensive jail record for assault. I do not. And, that is a good thing.
Today, I am thankful for self-control. I am thankful for clarity of judgment. I am thankful for understanding how my body and brain interact with each other. I am thankful that I have learned to mentally counteract my natural tendencies. I am thankful that I am alive and that I live a safe existence. I am thankful that I can wake up in the morning and make a conscious effort to have a good day. I am thankful for dark chocolate and for [home-grown] mint tea which have helped to mellow my body and soul. I am thankful that I can smile, and I am thankful for you, my friend.
Have a good day today.