The Unwanted…
As I went about my normal day,
In my typically abnormal way,
I stumbled into a line of thought
Within which much pain was brought.
At first it was a tiny twinge,
Nothing specific to retell,
But then it took a hold of me
And dragged my thoughts to hell…
I started to remember things
That angry people had said.
The things they said to silence me,
To tell me I’m unwanted.
It is not an insecurity,
A fictitious fear of fault.
There is no question,”Do? Did? How?”
The answer is in the assault.
“You are annoying.”
I am annoying.
“You are stupid.”
I am stupid.
“Your feelings aren’t important.”
My feelings aren’t important.
“Your opinion doesn’t matter.”
My opinion doesn’t matter.
“You are ugly.”
I am ugly.
“You don’t deserve anything good.”
I don’t deserve anything good.
“You are an asshole.”
I am an asshole.
“You are a piece of shit.”
I am a piece of shit.
“You are worthless.”
I am worthless.
“You are useless.”
I am useless.
“We hate you.”
I hate me.
“We don’t want you around.”
I don’t want me around.
“Why don’t you do us a favor and just die already?”
Why don’t I do them a favor and just die already?
And on it goes,
There is no reprieve,
In the internal monologue
Of vitriol and grief.
It tumbles on, infinitely,
Smothering my mind and dulling my eyes.
My soul begins to shrivel and shrink,
I begin to withdraw and die.
It isn’t that I know they’re right
In no uncertain terms.
But, I’ve always believed those things
That their words confirm.
The problem is that I am sad
Each day of my life.
The problem is that in my world,
I am always the cause of the strife.
It isn’t like this is new –
These words are my only friends.
The hate of a lifetime coursing through me
This hate of self never ends.
It isn’t that I don’t want peace;
It is obvious that I do.
The issue is that I can’t be calm
While expecting hate anew.
I feel like a pox on the human race –
That the problem must be me.
I want to go away from it all,
Disappear or be lost at sea.
I don’t like to be alive,
On almost any day.
Sometimes it’s fine, I can walk around,
Until a reminder comes my way.
I do not know my purpose.
I do not know my path.
I am tired of feeling worthless.
I am tired of inducing wrath.
I want to go away from this.
To leave society.
I want to go and hide myself
Among the forest trees.
I do not want to hear from them,
They would not hear from me.
I’d be gone, and they’d be content,
I’d be erased from memory.
This thought brings me comfort,
To imagine myself gone.
To imagine that I’d never existed,
To imagine the world was never wrong.
If I were gone, all would be fine,
They could say whatever they wanted.
There’d be no interruption from me,
Pointing out where their argument stunted.
Everyone could go on in hypocrisy,
Their ignorance and bliss –
Nobody would even have to remember
The uncomfortable nature of this.
Because it is I, The Unwanted,
Who cannot be the right.
When so many others have told me this –
That I am naught, that I am a blight.
I am tired of being called a nuisance.
I am tired of being the lone dissent.
I am tired of being unlike you,
I am tired of being emotionally spent.
There are no other options here,
I cannot pretend to be
Anything but what I am,
Anyone but me.
I know they cannot love me
In the ways I love them first.
I know there is no reciprocate meant for me.
I laugh bitterly at my insistent thirst.
I will not break beneath the storm
Of words I often hear.
I will not bend to your will
I will not disappear.
For if I do, I know this,
Without uncertainty,
That the world would then become much worse
For those Unwanteds just like me.
And so I am Unwanted.
I know it as well as you.
But I can see that this is where
I stay because I am supposed to.
I cannot see the reason.
I do not understand.
I hurt each day of my life,
And recognize there will be no end.
But, in this pain I see it,
There is some hope to be.
Perhaps, one day, I will find it –
Peace in being the Unwanted me.