Thoughts of Ideal Self…
Muddling through some haziness, I realize: I need to define myself, but I don’t know how. I’m flopping around trying to find solid ground to stand on, but there’s no solid ground until I make solid ground. Honestly, some days I don’t even know who I am or who I’m striving to become. Sometimes, I get these feelings of “YES, I know the way!”, so I follow that intuition because it ultimately leads me into some kind peacefulness. But, other times I can think of the same thing and feel nothing at all, no certainty or definitive understanding.
So, what I think this means is that there is no such thing as “one, true me”. There is no set person I am, no person I have to be, and no limit to the person I can become. I am what I am: full of inconsistency and change and confusion and timid hope and trial and error.
I don’t know where I’m going or how I’m getting there. All I know, really, is that I exist today and today I will work to keep myself balanced. I am letting my emotions flow naturally, and I’m working to counteract my incessant negative self-talk with the soothing words of love I know I need to hear.
I’m having a hard time because I keep looking at myself through the judgments of others. I keep having thoughts of how “selfish” and “self-centered” and “annoying” and “idiotic” and “foolish” and “unwanted” and “unneeded” I am. The thoughts about how “my life and efforts are pointless” keep rising and hurting me.
I have a need to get out of these traps of negative self-talk. It’s killing me. Or, at least, making me want to be dead. And I know that is not what I need. I need to feel joy in what life I have. I need to allow sorrow to pass, and I need to let those negative thoughts pass. The only way to do this is through focus on myself. I need to be selfish in these ways right now, because I will never want to be alive if I can’t come to terms with myself as I am. I can’t be myself if I am not allowed to discover myself.
One of the most confusing parts of all of this is that it is the words of others that mess me up. People speak negatively to me, tell me what they dislike about me, what is wrong with me… and I take those things and tell them to myself, as if they are true. Except, I don’t believe those words when they come from other people – I only believe them when they come from myself. I’m sabotaging myself using the judgments of others as a justification for why I shouldn’t be kind to myself. It’s counterproductive.
I’m slowly coming out of that self-imprisonment, but each step forward also requires twenty steps in some other direction and back. I feel like every inch of progress takes so long because I’m consistently sidetracked by other issues that arise when I’m trying to work on one specific thing. So, I must work on an indefinite number of related tasks before I can finally address the “important” one. And, I’m tired.
I’m tired of feeling concern for anything outside of my own specific life line. It’s too much for me now, I think. As much as I want to reach out and find reciprocal friendships, I am having a hard time just maintaining what I’ve gained so far. I have these hopes that I’ll grow or change quickly. But, I can’t. I’m very slow at emotional growth. I can’t help it.
It is only recently that I’ve realized: It’s okay that I’m slow. I truly can’t help it, and no amount of self-inflicted derision is going to change that. In fact, the more I harp on myself about it, the longer it will take. I get angry at myself, that I can’t change how I feel and get rid of painful thoughts related to feeling nonreciprocal care. I’m tired of harming myself. I can’t take it anymore.
So, I have decided to work on letting go of thoughts about how others perceive me. I don’t want or need to think about how other people may see me. It just causes pain and anxiety. It really is pointless and fruitless. It doesn’t help me in any way, and only hinders my development. I know this policy is going to take a long time to set up and remember, but I can’t keep on this way.
I don’t know where I’m going. I know where I want to go in social terms (self-reliance as a homesteader), but that’s pretty much it. I’m hurting myself by setting those goals, though, because I have the unrealistic expectations that I’ll do certain things in a specific time frame.
It all comes down to the reality that I need to Just Let Go. Of everything. The negativity is a form of control, the expectations are a form of control, the anxiety is a fear of no control. The truth is: I can’t control how my life will flow. I can steer myself in certain directions that I think are right for me, but I can’t account for obstacles and dams and rerouting that occurs outside of me. I’m not responsible for anything that occurs outside of me.
I’m not responsible for anything that occurs outside of me?
More confusion at that idea. More anxiety and sorrow, more feelings of inadequacy and failure. I’m tired.
I can’t change how I think or feel just because I want to, or just because people can’t accept me as I am, can’t accept how I do feel. I can’t do anything but what I can do today. Maybe someday I’ll find out what it’s like to be calm and collected. But, that’s just something that might happen someday. I can’t guarantee it.
I read some article about happiness being the pursuit of the ideal self, but I don’t know about that. I feel like the happiness I’ve found occurs when I’m not pursuing anything – it just happens when I’m enjoying what I have in a specific moment and am able to let go of thoughts about anything else. So, I see the journey is where happiness is found, but I still have no clue where I’m trying to go. What is my ‘ideal self’?
My ideal self is:
– Confident.
– Peaceful.
– Accepting of self as I am in that moment.
– Aware of my feelings as they exist.
– Loving toward self.
– Capable of recognizing negativity in a moment.
– Capable of counteracting negativity in a moment.
– Okay with just being alive.
– At peace with the idea that my “right” may be “wrong” to everyone else, but it is my path to choose.
Ultimately, though? I want to feel like it’s a good thing that I exist. I want to feel that I have a purpose beyond personal responsibility, and beyond “what I must do”. I am tired of feeling like life is pointless – I am tired of the thought that there is no meaning or importance to anything I do or say or think or feel because nothing I do is “right” or “acceptable”.
I want to feel like I am here because I’m supposed to be here.
My ideal self: Someone who believes she belongs in this world.