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Observations of an Other


I see. I think. I feel.
24
Aug

True Love

By Jane Tanfei|Aug 24 2013 | Metaphysical Discussion, Thoughts

When I talk about “my true love”, I am talking specifically about a set of feelings I actually feel. By “my true love” I actually mean “this love that I feel that is true and deep”. I’m not speaking in a possessive term about a person, though the feelings are for a specific person. These feelings are irrational, not useful in my everyday life, and are insane by any normal standards. Truly, these feelings exist when they should not and they exist despite the reality that there isn’t actually a reason for them to exist. When I am talking about “true love”, I am talking about a very deep-set group of emotions  based on nothing at all yet which are very strong and have persisted for well beyond any reasonable time frame or context for them to exist.

Interestingly, people keep telling me they don’t believe any of us has “one true love”. I wonder what they are talking about? As far as I can tell, they mean that they believe there are multiple people in the world who are romantically compatible with each of us. That makes sense in a statistical way, since there are around 7 billion people in the world – at least a few of them are bound to be romantically compatible… that would mean the only problem is actually finding these “perfect mates”.

But, when I’m talking about true love, I’m not actually talking about romance. It’s true, the love I feel has one romantic facet to it in the fact that I would gladly see and talk to the subject of my love every day for the rest of my life. Yet, I would be just as happy seeing him one time a year or decade or century or lifetime. I’d love him just as much even if he were married to another person. I’ve loved him just as much even while I was married to another person. Romance has nothing to do with loving other people deeply, as far as I’m concerned.

The truth is, I am not infatuated with this particular man. I recognize that he has faults just as I recognize that I have faults. I don’t care, though, because faults are in the eye of the beholder. One of my faults is that I see people’s faults and accidentally tell them about their faults even though it doesn’t matter to me in any real way.

This is how I know exactly what you’re thinking sometimes, reader, even when you don’t want me to know what you’re thinking. And, while my feelings are unsettling, I am completely aware that even a platonic relationship with that particular guy – for whom I also feel much unromantic love – is likely not an option because it is such a far-fetched idea. He is free from me and free to make his own choices and live his own life as he sees fit.

I have never expected any return of my feelings or care because I understand that this type of feeling is daunting and frightening and I understand that it is not socially acceptable. I spent a long time trying to “get over” these persistent feelings specifically because I realize how ridiculous this love is in a societal sense.

I spent nearly a decade trying to make an unhealthy “real” relationship work because I wanted to have a mutually loving relationship with someone who actually wanted me. I learned the hard way that one cannot create a lasting love simply because one wishes to be “happy”. And, yet, I don’t really understand the point of having lasting love when it isn’t a means to an end.

I did some research into “true love” and found that most of the “signs of true love” (as interpreted by the internet) are very superficial and related to dating. The general consensus seems to be that true love is defined by:

  1. Willingness to settle down with him/her.
  2. Willingness to change your own behaviors to match his/hers.
  3. Willingness to hang out together when not on a date or having sex.
  4. Lack of interest in other potential mates.
  5. Other people’s opinions don’t matter.
  6. Feelings of happiness and safety abound.
  7. Willingness to accept otherwise annoying quirks in the person.
  8. Willingness to do embarrassing things for/with your love.
  9. You are endlessly smitten.
  10. You act as a unit.

That’s the essence of romantic true love, or so I gather.

Speaking for myself, I have no partner in my “true love”. Why is love supposed to be returned, anyway? Since it’s not based on romance, I don’t think it is even necessary to have a partner to feel true love. It just exists because it exists. As I said, there is no solid reason for these feelings to exist, which has been one of the most difficult things for me to come to terms with in my life. I keep coming back to, “Why do I feel this way?! It’s so pointless!” and falling into despair because I can’t see a reason to “miss” someone I don’t even know.

And, it’s true. I don’t know him. I haven’t known him since I was a teenager. I haven’t talked to him in over a decade. The last two times I met him face-to-face, I walked quickly away from him without acknowledging his presence because I was afraid of him.

The truth is, I didn’t even realize I still loved him so much until about six years ago – I walked out of a building and looked right into his eyes and was overcome with love and sorrow and wonder and joy that he was alive and well and to see those eyes that can see my soul. My heart leapt to my throat, my stomach got all jittery and I thought in exhilaration, “Husband?!” and started to go to him so that I could hold him and love him and never leave his side again. I wanted to fall to my knees and weep. I wanted to tell him how much I’d missed him. I wanted to sit down with him and tell him everything I’d forgotten to tell him when I knew him, and everything I’d had to tell him over the time we’d been apart. I wanted to pull him into a dark nook and kiss him all over.

I started to go to him with happiness and not even a smidgen of restraint, as if I’d never been away from him.

But then I remembered that I hadn’t even seen him for about five years at that point. I remembered any number of embarrassing things he knew about me. I remembered I had two kids. And then I remembered that I was married to somebody else – that he wasn’t “my husband”. I realized that if I talked to him, I’d effectively ruin my “successful” life by acting upon my feelings.

So, I walked past him. I walked away from him, even though he called out to me.

And, I didn’t look back.

And that hurts me very deeply that I did that to him. I feel like I betrayed him and wounded him, even though I thought I was doing the “right” thing.

I never knew what was right until that day, when my soul knew exactly what it wanted – to be around him – and started to go for it.

I realized that my life was wrong and that I had been living a lie and that I wasn’t happy with my life.

And yet, I did the same thing to him again, about six months later.

And yet, I moved two states away in order to distance myself from those feelings and avoid running into him anymore.

And yet, I continued to live in my false life, trying to make it work “right” even as I knew it was completely wrong for me.

It took me another three years to be able to ADMIT the truth to myself.

It’s taken me another three years past that admittance to admit the truth to the world, even though there’s no reason to and I feel like an utter fool.

I don’t expect him to care about me.

I don’t expect him to have any pleasant feelings for me.

I don’t expect him to want anything to do with me.

And, he doesn’t, as far as I know.

I already know I don’t deserve to be forgiven for being afraid. He is the only thing that scares me, because I have absolutely no control over these emotions and cannot comprehend the reason for their existence.

I can’t even put into words how much I miss just being able to have a normal conversation with him. That in and of itself should tell you how much this particular man affects me – I want to talk to him. He is the only person I’ve ever had an urge to tell things to and the only person I’ve ever been able to just converse with naturally. He’s the only person that I’ve ever been around that made me feel safe and like I was home. Yet, I can’t see any way that he would ever want to truly connect and be friendly with me – a stranger who loves him deeply without expectations – when so much time has passed and I willfully ignored him back then.

I fully recognize the contradictory nature of my feelings. I fully understand that I should have “let go” long ago… I DID let go a long time ago. I have no wish to interrupt his life and introduce my turmoil and trouble into his life by making him miserable (though I’m sure I have done that anyway). I fully comprehend the unrealistic and unscientific  and statistically unlikely status of my emotional experiences. I fully acknowledge the illogical nature of these feelings. And yet, I cannot deny their existence.

And so, I exist in this state of ever-present and very strong yet unfounded love. And, truthfully, it makes me a better person. I feel kinder, more loving and understanding toward everyone in the world and to myself simply because I  recognize that pure love exists. It hurts to exist in this love. Yet, I do exist. I am still alive. I still feel this love.

As long as I keep from the pit of despair – that wailing and dramatic overwhelming emotion that rises when I realize that I do not “get” to have this love returned… as long as I stay out of that trap, I am OK.

It is very painful to consider the idea that there is no chance that I will ever be able to “move on”. I don’t feel any need to “move on”, despite the fact that this is socially unacceptable and that I’m supposed to be interested in finding a mate. But, I’m not. I already found my mate, and I have no interest in searching for another mate.

I feel that if another true love comes along, I’ll just stumble upon him. I can’t see a point in shopping for love, because I don’t want fleeting and superficial love. It does not interest me.  I don’t understand how it all works, and I don’t even want to think about it because the idea of feeling this depth of love for another person is actually ridiculous to me at this point. Almost as ridiculous as the idea that I DO feel this depth of love for a specific person already.

It makes no sense, yet I cannot escape it.

Story of my life.

Tagged as: Aspie, belief, destiny, faith, fate, heart, love, perspective, romance, sweetheart
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