Understanding…
I just realized what I have learned about myself in the past few days:
I don’t want to be detached anymore.
It’s strange to think that, but I recognize now that I usually am detached because it is a way to protect myself from emotional upset. I think now that I understand the reality that I DO NOT have to make myself emotionally available to people just because I choose not to dislike them… I also understand that I will be able to make better connections to those who DO want a reciprocal friendship. I feel like this is an innovative idea, but it’s really so simple: Love those who are capable of being loved.
Granted, this doesn’t just erase my existing feelings of love for random people, but it does give me some amount of perspective – it’s okay to look out for myself. It’s okay for me to be picky about who I spend time caring for. I also see now that I can care for people, “keep them in my thoughts”, without actively subjecting myself to their negative tendencies.
I don’t think I can change the reality that I do instinctively care about everyone and do always want to help people, but I can change myself and decrease instances of feeling betrayal by becoming increasingly more selective about who I actually love. I feel like it’s time for me to make sure people earn my love and attention.
I feel like I understand now that I don’t have to tolerate people just because I want to think the best of them – it’s okay to acknowledge the reality that they show few redeeming qualities. It’s okay to give up on people, and it’s okay not to lend support to people who are incapable of seeing past the tips of their own noses, even when they DO have a crisis.
And, even with that understanding, I still wish people the best and still have some “well, maybe we can be friends in the future” idea in my head. I can’t help it, I like everybody and see good qualities in everybody. When I was young, this mindset was useful to abusers because they could manipulate me with my love. As an adult, this has been useful to those who love cronyism because they could use it to gain sympathies from non-cronies and gain leverage against me.
I used to wonder what was wrong with me, why was it that everyone was always trying to force me to do what they wanted?
But, I finally recognize: I am constantly changing and growing because I have the need for understanding. They do not like to understand anything new. Indeed, they do not even like to see new information about old ideas. Thus, their need to try to force me into submission comes from their own fear of change and growth. I see now that this is a painfully accurate assessment.
And so, I must be aware of these types of people and be aware of their intent. This will require a more active role in everyday interactions from me, but I’m definitely up to the challenge.
I now cry, “Tallyho!” as I chase that elusive yet beautiful wisp of complete happiness.