Utmost Anxiety…
I’ve realized that I feel some level anxiety every single day. What I also realized is that the source for this is, most often, based in thoughts of social propriety. As a person who no longer wishes to be socially propitious, this bothers me greatly. Happily, each day’s anxiety is a little easier to manage and a little easier to send away.
I’ve had this social anxiety since I was very young, because I have always felt the need to pretend to fit in. I remember being three years old and watching other kids closely so that I could mimic them. I’d run and play and say the words they said because I was “supposed to”. I really just wanted to stand next to (okay, behind) a tree and watch people. I spent many years trying to talk and dress and act appropriately. I followed the rules because I felt that if I didn’t, I’d be punished.
And, it’s true. When I don’t follow the rules, I get punished in some way or another. Generally, it comes in the form of public mockery, shaming, and insults from those who are offended by my rule-breaking. Up until about age 22, I just stood there smiling, laughing it off and acting like it wasn’t a big deal. I believed the insults, though, because those events happened so often that it just logically made sense to me that there must have been something wrong with me. My entire identity was based in what was “wrong” with me, and my entire persona was centered around efforts to “fix” this.
Not too long after my first child was born, I realized I had to break out of this. It was in very small ways, at first… but I eventually decided that the only way to stop caring what other people thought of me was to force myself not to pretend. I stopped trying to get others to accept me as “normal”. For awhile there, I wore men’s clothes exclusively so that I could break the thought and behavior patterns of “have to be attractive”. I stopped fake smiles, I stopped fake conversations, I even stopped looking at people if I didn’t feel like I needed to. Eventually, I became comfortable as myself and was able to find what I needed to be comfortable as a person, in my own skin.
What I didn’t know at the time is that this process is called “deprogramming”. Essentially: breaking down and eliminating automated behaviors.
So, at age 23.5, I was finally at peace with myself in regards to body image, and I felt like I could timidly start listening to my heart instead of blindly following the cold logic that had thus far governed me.
That was the year I followed my intuition and moved 1,000 or so miles north. This was a crucial move for me, because I’d always felt very trapped and despondent in the place I grew up. That feeling had only increased over time into a feeling of despairing suffocation. I felt like I was going to be stuck there forever if I didn’t just GET OUT. So, I made some opportunities for myself that would allow me to move, and I took one. Truthfully, my default mood was instantly changed – instead of negative and hopeless, I felt positive and motivated: I was somewhere I CHOSE to be, and it was a beautiful place I could explore and maybe eventually would come to feel like was my home.
Later that year, I started breaking down my emotional programming. I don’t think I could have addressed the emotional programming at all if a specific series of events had not occurred. The specific succession of events led me to see that I was actually completely dissociated from my true emotions. I couldn’t even recognize them when they rose, and all emotion just showed up as either laughter or irritation.
I knew I didn’t feel very much emotion, but I didn’t know that it was because I was actively suppressing what emotion I did have.
And so, I began breaking down those barriers in my heart and mind. It’s slow work, to be sure. I’m still working on it. I feel like I’ve gotten through most of my suppression, doubt, insecurity, guilt, and fear… But anxiety still hounds at me. The “need to conform” and “have to act normal” thoughts still rise in my mind, but they aren’t actually anything more than hollow words at this point.
What really bothers me is the anxiety that comes when I try to figure out where I “belong”. I feel like I fail at finding places to belong. (My eyes are tearing up, so I know I’ve hit the nail on the head.) I’m gradually finding that there are some people who don’t just automatically dismiss me, but I still feel like these relationships I’m trying to form are tenuously balanced upon me not messing up.
That’s where the real anxiety is. I’ve never shown people my true self before on any consistent basis. I’m forming relationships as the true me, and I am still having trouble with the idea that it’s okay to just be myself. I get a headache when I remind myself that there’s nothing inherently “wrong” with me. I’m still deprogramming that automated thought process – those words of negativity and self-deprecation that have ruled my life for so long.
Honestly, I just keep expecting the other shoe to fall. I don’t really trust that people actually want to be friends with me. I don’t trust that they won’t just get tired of me and ditch me. Because, I’ve never actually had true friends before. All of my fake friends got tired of me, ranted about all the things they hated about me, then ditched me… And, that’s just the way it’s always been.
The anxiety comes from believing or feeling like I am a nuisance – I truly feel like I am a constant bother to people, because of the fact that I need to express my thoughts and emotion now. I recognize that this is an extreme buzz kill. But, I also know that I can’t just cover up my feelings and instincts and objections anymore. I try to limit the thoughts I express directly to other people, because I know it is draining to feel an obligation to listen, but I still make a point to speak up if I feel the need to.
Realistically, I don’t need a response to my thoughts most of the time – I just need to let my thoughts out of my brain. This is why I have this blog. If I don’t let the thoughts out somehow, I get stuck in the infinite loops of the distorted processing, because I can’t see anything outside of that distortion. I also like that there are people out there who are willing to tell me the truth and just bluntly tell me that I need to get out of those thoughts. I feel such a massive level of appreciation for people who are honest with me.
I know that I can’t have that pretense of happiness that society tells me I should have. I know I can’t be easygoing. I know my tastes aren’t elaborate or in any way cool. I know I’m not a brilliant conversationalist. I know I have odd humor and laugh uncontrollably at random stuff, but then don’t laugh at all at things that are supposed to be funny. I know my reasoning is too simple. I know I am very limited in both experience and skill at friendship. But, I’m trying. I really am. I’m being open and honest and showing care when I am able to. And some people are actually sticking around!
And so, I know that I don’t need to feel anxiety. I tell myself this each day. This is how I calm myself down. I don’t need to worry. The future is the future, the past is the past, and today I am being me. That’s all I am able to do, and it is okay to only do what I am capable of today. Maybe I AM slow, but that’s because I’m making sure I’m being genuine, actually following my intuition instead of false programming. Because it’s okay to be myself: there’s nobody else I need to be. And, there ends the anxiety.