Wishy and Cynical Narrative…
I guess I’m still trying to figure out WTF I want, because I keep getting stuck on things I don’t even want to think about. Namely, things related to romantic relationships. THIS IS ANNOYING.
I’m pretty wishy-washy about the whole thing. Sometimes I think I’d like a partner, sometimes I don’t. Mostly, I can’t really figure out how I’d hypothetically get a partner. I don’t even know what a partner IS or DOES or EXPECTS, realistically. I’ve never actually had one. This is not to say I’ve not dated or “been with” people. Hell, I got married at one point. However, I’ve never had a relationship wherein I felt safe, secure, and on equal ground. I can’t imagine what it is like to feel unconditionally loved. And so, I have no idea about anything related to romance, and I feel sad because I just don’t think I ever will.
First off, I can’t even imagine anyone I’d feel attraction for could be attracted to me. There’s a very narrow set of qualities that I find attractive. I’ve only seen 3 males in my life that had all of these qualities, and 2 of those guys never gave me a first glance, let alone a second one. This is not surprising, as I am somehow only attracted to the one male demographic who is LEAST likely to find me viably attractive, due to their specific societal norms and expectations. It sucks.
Secondly, I can’t even imagine anyone I’d feel attraction for could want to be around me for an extended time. It’s disconcerting and frightening, actually, to think of letting someone see all of the worst things about me… and that he wouldn’t be bothered or judgmental? He’d be able see me as me, instead of fixating on all of my problems? I can’t really imagine it. Plus, I have children, am not exciting or sexy, am nerdy AND geeky as well as dorky, have a really strange sense of humor, am easily bored at parties and bars, am an unintentional teetotaler, and have no interest in social pretense or pretending to be fancy. This rules out the potential interest of an easy 95% of males ages 25-34. The other 5% are elusive, I guess, because I just don’t even come across them.
This brings me to my third point: I don’t meet people for whom I feel attraction. It’s bizarre, I guess, but I truly don’t feel lust for strangers. I feel interest in getting to know other people as friends, but that is it. I don’t feel any kind of spark, even when I meet and talk to a male who is traditionally attractive. To be honest, pretty men don’t interest me. Flirtatious talk just sounds like words to me; I feel nothing about it and just respond with normal conversation. Thus, I am immune to falling for charmers. I treat them as I treat anyone else. This is apparently a significant issue, because supposedly I’m supposed to try to attract people because I’m also supposed to care about “getting laid”.
Fourth, I don’t care about “getting laid”. I am uninterested in sex with strangers. This is because I am highly conscious of the passage of time. Everything goes by slowly for me, especially things I don’t want to be doing. I already know what it feels like to wish I was somewhere else because I’m not even attracted to or interested in the person who is using my body. I already know how worthless and invisible and alone I feel when I am treated as nothing more than a body, a notch on a bedpost, a meaningless object to someone who deigned to settle for me because he couldn’t find anything better for the night. I refuse to go back to that.
Fifth, I don’t believe a person buying things FOR me is earning anything FROM me (and vice versa). Thus, I am not a good candidate for the socially acceptable prostitution colloquially known as dating. (If you disagree, fine. But, I’m not going to pretend I haven’t heard many males recounting woeful tales of spending X amount of money on someone who STILL wouldn’t put out; these males then reference the female as a waste of money. If that’s not a currency/barter system, I don’t know what is.) Frankly, if a male doesn’t know me well enough to know I’m a-ok with paying for my own stuff and am uninterested in expensive meals or baubles, why would he supposedly want to date me other than to get sex? I’ll pass, thanks.
So, sometimes I wake up needing to be held. Sometimes I fall asleep needing warmth against my back. Sometimes I need an arm snugly wrapped around my waist. Sometimes I need a hand resting across my hips. Sometimes I need to be kissed. Sometimes, I need tenderness. It hurts.
I enjoy and cherish my independence, but I also feel like I need love. I can’t balance this, somehow. I don’t know how to reconcile the idea that I can be independent AND be loved by someone. It doesn’t make sense in my head or heart, because I’ve never experienced anything like that. It hurts.
I feel that I’ll have to sacrifice some part of myself if I ever get a chance at a legitimate romance. I feel that I’ll have to settle for a bad relationship, that I’ll have to pretend to be happy or change myself to please him because I will also know that I should be grateful ANYONE is willing to have me. It hurts.
I don’t care about “romance”; dress-up dinners and flowers and jewelry are pointless to me. Tab keeping and pet names and FB relationship statuses are pointless to me. I don’t care about traditionally defined relationship roles. I don’t want or need a socially acceptable setup. I’d prefer to make it up as it goes along.
I need someone to accept me as I am, and I need to have a reciprocally beneficial relationship. I need to feel safe, secure, and loved.
Ha.